2006?

Before I dwell into this theme, let me put up a question on the gender of 2006.Though this may sound foolish and unnecessary which I totally agree to, but we should know a bit about what’s coming in.

I think scientifically, New Year does not holds any strong meaning, except that earth has once again like it always does has finally revolved around the sun and we mortals find different reasons to celebrate this!!

Anyhow I remember that as a kid, I use to make cards for my neighbors and friends, at that time Archies/PaperRose wasn’t that popular or they were sent to better off relatives and for rest we either use to send hand made cards or the one which are bought @10 Rs/pack, also for neighbours spending a rupee was a little unnecessary and it was the only time we could exhibit our drawing skills and one-liner talents.
So, I remember working along with my sis, as we prepare different cards and than like as all siblings do, fighting over it, the various reasons for that were as follows -

• Which cartoon/picture to draw
  
• Who will draw and who will fill in the colors
  
• To whom it will be given
  
• and who will write

But than despite my parents not believing in gender bias, I was the one who was crowned to be the delivery boy, as the task not only has to be done in the middle of night but also with precision (i.e. not to get caught, while slipping in the card), as other children waited at their doors with baited breaths and the moment they hear any sound of someone walking or see an envelope being pushed in, they would open the door and say “Pakad Liya, Dekha”, which use to cause huge embarrassment and than adding to your humiliation they would give you, your card and say “hamne socha tha tumhe jab pakad lenge tabhi denge” and thus you return back home with your card…..to face once again taunts from sis on being unsuccessful'

Plagiarism is often involve in making cards, as we use to copy lines, design from last year cards (if there) or from the new ones, which he have received early thanks to postal dept.

When I look back at those years which are now lost somewhere as earth kept on revolving monotonously I feel,Yes, New Year is a change…..change from watching DoorDarshan with family to not watching Satellite TV, from preparing cards to sending texts (SMS)….but some things never change, like I am still in habit of forwarding such messages…..lol

Coming back to my question on the sex of 2006, well I would say it’s either a pregnant female or a new born child, both weighed with expectations & than expectations…...may be I am deciphering it, like as always Unsuc…….

Hapless Mulling........

DISCLAIMER : I am not a pessimist, I am just Unsuccessful’ and this is what happens when you start thinking in the middle of night, have nothing to do, you cannot talk to any one or if want to rephrase it you don’t want to do so, loneliness is good but than try not thinking when so.

He was all alone, sitting in the comfort of his not so warm room, the tethered quilt though was capable enough so as not to let his feet go numb but it was not the cold outside which bothered him, it was the dense fog inside which we was scared about.

His whole room can be measured as 3 steps horizontally and 5 steps vertically, two pair of shoes, some clothes, a table hosting latest magazines, a chair whose nuts have developed a habit of dropping from nowhere and two bags along with a wooden cot which was caressed by two mattresses and a pillow.

He was feeling disconnected, though technologically he was just a call away from so called his people but sometimes distances do matter.
As boredom once gain set in, he lighted up a cigarette, smoke came out of his nostrils and filled the vacuum, nicotine no longer calmed his senses, yet he was addicted to it, why? He never searched for answers, every time he did so his bleak past came in front of his eyes, laughing, screaming, pointing fingers, he was by now scared of it and future was formless and at present searching for it would be just like asking for a non-delayed flight on a foggy morning!

Taking birth in a middle class family is today world’s greatest sin, it is equivalent of the mythological Trishanku, being poor you just look for satisfying your needs and rich stands for satiating your desires but aspiring for wants is quite troublesome, its like being half-dead………

For Homo-sapiens, living a socially formulated life is quite irksome, you have no freedom, and one barters it for cohesiveness and social support. You are burdened with responsibilities and so forth. “We are social animals” – whenever he read this he gets amused, the word animal still tags along and than aren’t we, we pounce on inferiors to us, get scared of superiors, lust constantly raises its hood amongst us and than the modern word competition isn’t its just a replica of jungle rule, a fight for better living, better grasslands, better game, a fight for good life, better mate, protecting springs-off………


Do world revolves on two axis, Sex and Success, one for survival and other for generation……perhaps sometimes we need not to be philosophical, rather should behave as a traveler experiencing new things as they come along but what if the journey becomes cumbersome?

As he stubbed the cigarette, he read on the packet –Cigarette Smoking Is Injurious To Health’ and than he understood, the whole zest of existence is not inside, its there on the surface, somewhere written in Bold and we either fail to realize it or just ignore it……Unsuccessfully’

Makhtub.....

Winters has brought nothing new for me and it has also been quite dismissive of my stand against nature, that I do not like seasonal changes…..this was just articulated by the met dept. prophecies to expect more chill in up coming days. I just don’t like winters, for me it’s a pain both physically and mentally. Physically coz my already lean frame, refuses to stand up against this onslaught and I develop cold and it other family members, mentally coz I am already inactive and the cold give me one more reason to be so!

Anyhow….I was unable to buy a cell-phone not because I didn’t have money but becoz I felt that spending 18k for a mobile was not worth it…..Well if some marketing student want to do a case study on me…..I think than I would have been the perfect material for that, I searched markets, asked about product availability, post-sales services, resale value and what not and all this exercise went futile as I finally decided not to buy that…..I personally feel that it was the middle class mentality that was the only roadblock that strangulated my dreams…..or am I like the Alchemist’s merchant, who could never go for pilgrimage……and than as he said Makhtub……….

So yesterday Z came, I had called him because I was afraid going alone to buy the cell, although we ended up at TGIF, Priya’…..had some rum and after that he decided for me that it was better if I keep the corpse of unsuccessfulness’ on my shoulders as than it could always act as a motivation for doing something good in life, so buying a new cell would lessen its weight and henceforth both materialistically and by intellectual standards, I have no rights to buy it! ……And than even in half inebriated state I kept my vow of not watching movies in hall......

N is having a bad time at IMA, makes me think why not always life goes in a straight fashion when it ought to be?

And this is for all those, who are fighting against their sins’ past or present, successfully or unsuccessfully, like me or unlike me……

Crossroads as they say
it happens all in sway,
Rhyming seems imperfect
tongue has lost its sweet effect,
Guarded air as they say
even sun sprays poison ray,
Words spell doom and sound grave
sea has lost its splash waves,
Me, huh the lone fighter
Keeps the vigil on the crown
and also speaks in a perfect noun,
All day and night, I would be the one
though Unsuccessful’ in my run
still going to say, yes it is still fun……

Abyssal'

This poem is written by keeping in mind a 10 year old boy from Tehri (Garwhal)…..who narrates his experience of his land grabbed for making a modern temple of India (Tehri Dam…built on homes of natives there, supposedly an environmental danger)…..I don’t know, how much I am successful in this attempt, to look at it with a 10 year old heart…anyhow my history precedes me…..which speaks volumes on my unsuccessfulness’

They came here some years back,
told us 'that we are a lucky stack,
The river above would be channelised
and our land is the perfect site,
Hence they will built a dam
this will irrigate many lands,
They all muted on water……….

We were very happy with this thought
somebody even broke a coconut, just for the right start
For some months it was all quiet
suddenly, big machines appeared the next night,
Streams of people poured in
wearing turban, skull-caps and some with suite and a tie-pin,
They all had different equipments you guess
I thought they would need my geometry box as well!

After some days they asked us to gather
my mother had an inkling of rough weather,
Father works in a big city, I don’t know
chacha thought, they called to give us jobs though,
They said’ we should be proud
for dam will end the country’s drought,
Our names will be galvanized in history
all we need to do is, to leave our village swiftly!!

We protested at this decision hard
why they never told us right from the start,
They said; view it from a different stand
country will benefit, from our submerged land!!!
Also, they will relocate us somewhere
and this will be done in a ceremony with fanfare,

Next day, some big leader came in
he said, we should fight against this sin,
Someone told me, he had saved tress before
where will trees grow, if there is no land more!!!!
Some known writer also pitched high
people said, she knows America’s president wife,
Hopes were floating everywhere
winter was also near,

Explosions in the mountains heart
we shivered on their part,
Turtles & Fishes would attend my school
coz under water, crocodile teaches with a rule,
We are still waiting for the Promised Land
chacha says, it will never be till the end,
May be I will go to the big city where father lives
mother says it’s a big risk,


Nor the mountain neither river smiles
just one question, will haunt us throughout our lives,
For why they all muted on water…..

Outsourced........

Nothing good going on…..just the same old story……thought better to air my views on outsourcing, which I wrote long back….have delayed buying the phone…..may buy a digital camera…..I don’t know…..I am too unsuccessful to take decisions now……should I outsource them?….Yes, No …maybe!

For How many years they rule our world
make us live in fear and death
Showed their supremacy all the way
and thought they would easily getaway,


Target their missile on our land
helping that fucking neighbour on the other end
Nuke bombs, tanks and submarines
built and sold everything that solves their needs


They denounced our nation saving move
and attack a country coz dictator rule
What they do is perfectly fine
coz they in a country of dollars and dime

Now it’s our turn to revenge
let them pay for their mistakes
And make their life a bloody hell
by taking all their jobs away

So sing with me and let them sigh
we don’t care if they are dying dry,
All we know its our time high
for all you phirangis its time to say goodbye


Science that was ours you took away
made us fool by your glittering babes
Cheated us on everything
c’mon be brave to face the swing,

World Trade Centre already gone
now we want the Washington house dome
See your Pentagon back in rumbles
Dow Jones has to fumble,


So sing with me and let them sigh
we don’t care if they are dying dry,
All we know its our time high
for all you phirangis its time to say goodbye!

Dedicating Unsuccessfulness......

As like always, life is moving at its snail pace, so there was nothing much to write upon….as for studies, I always plan them and then re-schedule those plans. Winter has finally crept in and if one ventures out early morning, the air can be heard whispering its arrival.

Last week Z came and went for some shopping, when you are in a materialistic world, it matters how you dress, so I decided to update my winter wardrobe, less for myself and more for as to make it visible to others! May be tomorrow I will go and buy a new mobile phone, which will depend on the amount of salary credited in my bank account…so perhaps I would be better able to express my unsuccessfulness with pictures, resembling my moods.

I think winter seasons arrive globally, so there is no steam in any political & economical news to muse upon, also WTO Hong Kong meet has already been doomed to be a failure so whatever be the results, it will hardly matter.

As about ‘T’….I once again message her today…only to realize that she will never respond, than I got perturbed and thought upon, Expectations…..We all are cursed by this word….in each and every form, can Expectations be synchronized with Hope, if Yes than ok…we cant help it, but if not than is it like the appendix in human body….which does not serves any function but more so often becomes an irritant…….finally I wrote something…..and dedicated this to ‘T’……for I decided that I will never think to think about her….Unsuccessful, once again? Yes, No….maybe

Ek vyarth koshish
ya shunya ka vistar,
Shabdon ki feri
ya sapnon ka junjal,

Vicharon ki paribhasha
ya chanchalta ki pukar,
Kya namkaran karoun
sab saachein bekar,

Na radha ki aankhon si
virah ki pyaas,
Na shabri ke beron si
isme mithas,

Sirf, kagaz ki zammen par
Sarkande ke hul se prayaas,
Yehi hai meri kavita
Ek vyarth koshish
aur ek asafal lekhakar.

The Battle'

This is a description of the situation in my room, which one may find relevant to contemporary International scenario….


This all started in the month of September, when I shifted to my new room. The previous guy living here was as an IAS aspirant, with geography as an optional, so once I moved in…. I had to tear all world maps and motivational posters, first one because world maps make me feel so small and give me ideas about being a nomad, the second one, I don’t need to explain…..so the only thing which remained was Lord Ganesh picture, which I dared not removed as I am superstitious (though a self proclaimed non-believer!) hence like Jews, I rearranged the new Israel


Now since I am a working bachelor, society does not expect me to live in hygienic conditions, so I followed the unsaid rule and very soon cig buds, half eaten biscuits, crumpled papers, unwashed socks and so on, adorned my room. I created a breeding ground myself just like Nehru did for Kashmir or US for China


As a result very soon, I find that my loneliness was invaded by mosquitoes, since I am an ardent newspaper reader, I knew that they are health hazards and one like me with a lean body frame and thus poor immune system, cannot bore the burden of being affected by Dengue, Malaria, Elephantis and jeopardize both my physical and monetary wealth.

From here started the war…….


The Sanctions
Immediately considering the gravity of the situation, I realized that my maid was unduly paid (as she comes early in morning, when I the nocturnal living being goes off to sleep and she is hence asked to come next day, which never comes). So for her now it was either “You are with Me or Them”….she diligently used the broom and gave the room a phenyl bath (that smell still in my nose!), books were dusted, clothes rearranged. However like the UN sanctions it turned out to be a dud affair and a Volcker report is soon expected….


The First wave
Now the situation was already getting out of hand, so arsenals were put into use, first ‘All Out’ was pressed into services (I never expected it to jump and eat mosquitoes though but least like Air force 1, it should have prepared the ground)….its futility became more prominent with each passing day, also I forgot to switch it off so it was getting costly…


Traditional Warfare
As suggested, I restored to our age old mosquito coils, now this worked out and soon they were kissing the grounds….I pronounced from my bed “ I Got Them” but unfortunately I was celebrating the victory too early…..they became accustomed ( just like humans, the spirit to survival can be seen best here, universal truth! ) and soon they were resilient, taking refuge in corners, behind clothes, books (just like Talibanis).



Chemical warfare
Now I bought a spray, I am using it now for the past two weeks, making every corner of my room a Fajullah…..ambushing them here & there and hoping if they survive and get out they get marred by the Coil effect’



Many civilians (ants) have died in this war, I can see their funeral procession every night…they still walk in line….some move astray…like lost kids. I hope mosquitos don’t follow Islam (no offence) and I do not face Jehad’…..and I also believe with onset of winters they become lull, like Kashmiri militants.

In turn, I have also been affected both monetarily and health wise, I am smoking twice, once my nicotine sticks and then the coil smoke’ ( but the coil pack says its of no affect to humans, hoping it doesn’t turn out like the American intelligence report on WMD’s ....as they call it “sexed up”………….

Existence......

It has been more than 18 hours and I haven’t slept, I don’t know may be I am getting insomniac…. But than why sleep is deluding my eyes? perhaps I am not working hard, I have heard that a person who works hard gets a sound sleep, so I do not deserve it.


Sometimes I feel, my whole existence is like the early morning dew, which glitters only to be vaporized by the sun and than it becomes water vapour…than clouds…finally rain and this cycle continues on….is this an unsuccessful existence or a just one, I can’t decide but it is too tiring…..I would rather like to be “Air”…unbounded, omnipresent, sometimes mild and furious, bringing hope and destruction, different names according to different traits, to be precise, the prototype I will choose is, to be ‘Wind’…..yes I want to be Wind……deciding my own course…..free at will,one step down..three steps ahead, a force to reckon with....but is it really or just the Wind’ thinks so…who knows!

I have nothing to say
my pen is dry today,
Thoughts, I bargained them all
feelings, huh they just crawl,
I have lost all sense
like traveler in forest dense,
I have nothing to say
my pen is dry today,

Neither I have the Rama’s will
nor I enjoy the Krishna’s thrill,
Enlightment is out of question here
nirvana is what I fear !
I have nothing to say
my pen is dry today,

I called her name aloud
did she heard this sound,
My hollowness screamed
sweetheart, it’s a futile dream,
I realized, I have nothing to say
my pen is dry today,

I tried to wipe thy tear
eyes said, It’s a drought here!
Smile suddenly crossed my lips
like sand trickles down quick,
Again, I have nothing to say
my pen is dry today,

He from their above
who pull all string fine,
Wonders, why this boy tries
for when he is destined to make just ‘Unsuccessfully Yours’ rhyme,
And hence, I have nothing to say
my pen is dry today…….

Delusive Introspection....

I am getting old, with each passing day, I think I am getting old not only in physical sense but emotionally too, I think it happens with each one of us….our souls are like machines, coz we do not use them (in some cases at all) so it get rusted and than its quality depreciates…Why this happens? Machines can be oiled, dusted and can be made re-ready to use, but can a rusted soul be oiled…may be not or like 'T' says….Yes, No…Maybe!

The reason I am contemplating this is, That everyday when I go to office, on every next red light as the car stops, kids standing on the pavements rush, some with pirated books in hands, some with a cloth in hand and diligently start wiping the dust of the ‘luxury’, ‘family’ car or ‘SUV’….not all the time they get rewarded or should I say paid? I don’t know whose and what dust they try to wipe -
Dust from our souls
Dust from the vehicle
Dust from their fate

When I say this, I remember that In NCERT books, on the front page there is “Gandhiji’s Talisman” …I don’t remember it word to word but its zest was that ‘your every action should be determined, that how it will affect the fate of millions deprived and whenever you face a dilemma, always try to remember the face of the poorest guy and than think, how this action is going to help him’ , when I see these kids and think I cannot justify my actions….I think I should make a difference but how, can a unsuccessful person like me, who has not the ability to make a difference to his own life and can make a difference in some one’s else…….or am I too running away like all?

May be this school poem, which I use to recite with a few hundred in morning prayers, where the whole idea was to sing it best and than as I moved up…than to wind it up early, now holds some meaning……

It is better to light, just one little candle
than to stumble in the dark,
Better far than those.....
all you need is just a tiny spark,

If we all say a prayer that the world would be free
The wonderful dawn of a new day will see,
and from just one little candle
What a bright world this would be.....


And about ‘T’…….. “Kahan ho yaar? Bahut ho gaya….plz ek baar mil to lo”

Sapless Introspection'

My excursion over the continuous stretch of monotonous life, continues on without any major hindrances….in other words each day passes more predictable than the other. Sometimes I wonder that we all yearn for changes and keep on cursing ourselves in one way or the other and when such change occurs than we think about the past and try to relive in its glory! I am not sure whether this happens with me or the whole human society is plagued by this desire for change….. but whatever……Changes are always welcome.

As usual I went to DaryaGanj on Sunday and among the plethora of books tried to search something relevant and than robotically ended up buying 03 different books, of which none was required….well Firdausi’s ‘ShahNama’, Coelho’s ‘Alchemist’ and ‘Best Hindi stories of ’96. Well I always go to DaryaGanj in hope that one day I would stumble upon some rare book or a personal diary…..the search is still on’ unsuccessfully….

Another thing I noticed that even how much our English story writers try but they never will be able to depict the poverty and the intricateness of our society….the way Hindi writers bring it forth….it seems so genuine or perhaps coz of language I can relate it better but than I always feel the nostalgia that is required to linger on after reading a heart-wrenching story can be found only in Hindi short stories. May be I was too obsessed with Hindi in my 10+2.


I am still planning to buy a new mobile phone for me and the choices are between MottoRazer and Nokia 6681 rather the bigger choice is that how to stop myself from buying this and better spending it else. Also I have switched over my newspaper so I believe that now I would be politically more aware since I do not enjoy the luxury of a television. There is a lot of questioning that I have to do with myself about what I am looking for, where I am heading to and what not…but let these questions be frozen as I move on, though monotonously………how unsuccessful!

‘T’……….I have nothing to say about her….all I can remember about her is...

• Her nose
  
• Her smile
  
• Her eyes
  
• I still visualize her in that blue dress
  
• Her rashes that spring on from nowhere around her ear
  
• She being uncomfortable
  
• The frustration on her face...

May be I am asking for too much……more than I deserve……..but Can't I?

Saturated Dreams'

Well.....past few days have been pretty boring as usual......all I can notice that I have started sleeping a lot....office work also has been pretty boring, as the leftover in my team always talk of resigning.....and me as a new entrant just wonder on!

What else....yeah the last two days I dont know why....while returning back home....I am talking of 'Ghosts' with my drivers....now today's driver was more exciting....now I dont know whether he seriously tried to scare me....or was he genuinely like that...but he stopped car in the middle, applied brakes for nothing and even switched off the head lights while he was narrating me a story.....The story was...

" An employee had a late shift which ended on midnight....unfortunately it was he and the driver alone while returning ....as they were moving on, they started chatting about Ghosts.....a few minutes later......on the highway...they saw a women, wrapped in a red shawl.....the employee told that may be she is a ghost....the driver mused on him.....a few moments later they saw the same women sitting in the back seat...the car tripped over and both of them died"......now I wonder who told him the story....coz out of three persons, involved....two died and one was Ghost.....that scares me!

I am thinking of changing my newspaper again, The Hindu was atleast better in terms of content and you felt like reading it, TOI...bores, except for the "Animal Crackers".....I dont like anything and today's editorial that Hindus and Corporates (Obviously Hindu dominated) are doing nothing for Kashmir earthquake and after Delhi's blasts the situation have worsened, in terms of giving relief..I dont rememeber the name who wrote this editorial.....but I feel that people like him, who call themselves the educated gentry', help in broadening the rift between communities, may somebody ask him that though its known Kashmir is Muslim dominated but is he sure that earthquake didn't damaged Hindu households, even the same paper reported that lots of funds have been used by officials for personal gains were they all Hindus.....people like him and of his breed like Gilani should be banished from society....I better choose militants rather than those who play hide and seek. I wonder why he forgot that we did gave huge aids to Pakistan, which is an Islamic republic.....wont it would have been much better had he critcized the govt. for this rather than his own countrymen.....

Again about 'T'.....I was thinking of messaging her but than restrained myself.....thought why? couldn't find any answer and than the thought of not getting a messgae in response got me irritated in the begining itself.....I dont know whether she will understand me ever....I dont think so, She is successful and I have nothing to give except my heart! But still, just want to talk to her, I have no clues how.....cant we just start as Friends?
On that note a very old poem of mine that I wrote last year when N was leaving for IMA....found while cleaning my suitcase.......and realised that I am still drenched by memories of past.....looking for future......unsuccessfully........

Lying on my bed
with a future uncertain,
My dearest pal
got to catch a train,
I think I have got something to say
but perhaps not this way,
The sky is all wet now
its October rain somehow,


Changes were fast
now its time to part,
Memories suddenly come to life
smiles buzzes like honey flies,
The droplets are falling in rhythm
I am still waiting for frogs to hymn,
Her hairs were black like a monsoon night
dont know if her face still sparkles like sunlight,
I really have got something to say
but perhaps not this way,
The sky is all wet now
its October rain somehow,


Dont drop a tear thy
it’s going to cost me high.
I still have to wait long
for my journey is an eternal song
Things dont remain same
bet she still loves hearing my name,
I must have got something to say
but perhaps not this way,
The sky is all wet now
its October rain somehow,


The rain isnt cold
I am feeling warmth untold,
Something’s do never change
doesn’t even weather repeat its own range?
As people move faster to beat the rain
HE starts playing his own game,
I do got something still to say
but perhaps not this way,
The sky is all wet now
its October rain somehow....

Deafening Silence'

Well, the past few days were really straight and me so inconsistent in approach that there is nothing to much to ponder or write upon. Life becomes so monotonous that even if you try viewing it from different outlooks it remains the same. Sometimes I wonder that we unknowingly spend a large part of life in blissful unawareness!

Though in my official life there has been a major upheaval, most of my team members resigned over the Diwali holiday debacle’ and me who worked on Diwali is ready for doing an overtime, tomorrow, coz I will get $ 4@hr.
Now all of them who resigned were employees who had shown enough loyalty to the company and rightfully deserved a holiday, since I am new and had no good reason to celebrate Diwali or take a leave coz in this short span of 03 months as I have not accumulated any complaints against the management ( which I believe I will when I am as old as they are in company) worked and I explained them my point of view.

So the next day, they were asked to resign and I was asked to do an overtime, to which both agreed. But I felt my fellow employees were right as last Diwali they told me 'they had worked wearing black bands on their hand', so consequentially this year resignation was the next step. Who was unsuccessful here, they to retain their job or company to retain employees, I don’t know…..

In the past few months, around my locale, an elderly couple, have started selling ‘boiled eggs’ in a corner, the gleam in their eyes, when they see someone walking towards them, makes me buy eggs from them each day….I wonder if this is an another unsuccessful attempt from my side to help the society……or just the dog who ravishes what I leave, blesses me from his heart!

Now this is about ‘T’……a few days ago we met, she came to my workplace…a day before Diwali…..Well once again both of us saw each other and tried to evade, also if I am not wrong there was a moment when I was looking for her and perhaps she for me…when our eyes met. Than I decided that rather than bearing this ‘Deafening Silence’, I should go and talk to her…..so here is the script, and as usual I will not infer anything……..

Me - Hi Mam, how are you?
T - Good, how it’s going? *as we shake hands, a bit in a cold manner*
Me - Good!, A ( an another guy) was angry with you, you didn’t meet him
T – I know, I had a word with him
***She turns towards A and say Are you still angry? A nods head***
Me - Thts why I told A
T – What?
Me - Milte to begano (others) se hain, apne to vaise he dil ke pass hote hein, right?
T - **laughs** Very right, good one
Me - Ok than, cya
T - **nods her head**

Later I messaged her ‘………..and the night sparkled. Happy Diwali’. and as usual my cell phone is still waiting for a message from her, both me and my cell wondering at this Deafening Silence’...heights of unsuccessfulness....

In Vain......

I am angry at my society, at my people, at myself…..all of a sudden, they all seem so unsuccessful. I can write a whole book on this I feel, I have hatred for Us not for militants, they do what they want…..but what are we doing…like lambs, one batch slaughtered, rest graze on as ignorant or in illusion…..today the whole of India is unsuccessful……like me……I laugh to weep…….

On this b’ful evening, everything was clear
Somehow a smoky cloud in air
Coz of crackers not to fear,

Bunty and Bubbly, had their affair since ninth
this year, they would be celebrating Diwali as husband & wife,
Raju was pretty excited all day
as papa has promised him, crackers filled night,
Abu was looking forward to Id
also Zenab was to come from Aligarh this week,
Mr. & Mrs. Sharma finally agreed on clothes
their daughter was getting married before snowfall,
Like a bird, they all had worked hard to weave their nest
now its festival time to decorate it at their best,

On this b’ful evening, everything was clear
Somehow a smoky cloud in air
Coz of crackers not to fear,

Three explosions is what the newsreader said
all ringing tones suddenly echoed fear and death,
A scoop for some channel, footage for rest
cops withered; as usual they failed the test,
Bodies mutilated, lying here & there
a dead child their, under the heap of clothes, uff…. with burnt hair,
Ambulances and fire brigades were delayed
c’mon Delhi roads are jammed, VIP movements all the way!

On this b’ful evening, everything was now not clear
a smoky cloud and voices drenched with pain, all I can see & hear,

Bunty & Bubbly are untraceable
Raju’s mom is inconsolable,
Zenab is coming this week
Sharma’s daughter is still unable to speak,

Memories all they remain
they are the one, which cause all the pain,

Homes are still illuminated, celebrating what?
and still there is a smoky cloud in air
Again just coz of crackers, not to fear!

Unsuccessful Escape......

Off late, I have not been writing much, primarily because I did not have anything new to say and also of time constraints. Actually I did not need a feel for writing, so I better waited until I have something to say. I always believe that when you try to word out your emotions, it should be spontaneous rather than pre-planned, because that’s when you could give your best, may whatever situation you are in.

Than the question I ask myself is, are all famous writers from the league of Shakespeare to our own Vikram Seth, just faking it? I believe not, because they have creative juices much in abandon which they have supplemented by a close watch of human behaviour and that is why, each of their characters and plots even though be just a fiction, seem so close to daily life.

Also these days in office, I observed that all groups in general (now be it of either sexes) have 3 common topics of discussion, besides bithching about others or verbally undressing your female colleagues

• How come “Qazi”, won this stupid Fame Gurukul?
• Should we protest for not giving us a holiday on Diwali?
• What should they buy? /Should Ganguly be the captain again?

Now, since I do not have a television at my home and newspaper is the only source for me to know about these things , so now I have switched on from Hindu to TOI because, Hindu is otherwise quite a newspaper rather than tabloid and since I have to mingle with commoners, I better read a tabloid, anyways I was a bit unaware about the guy “Qazi” so I kept quiet, on the second question, I am still dwindling because taking a off would mean, a disciplinary letter (of which, I do not care) but also a financial hit of 3,000/- so this is what pestering me a bit and on the third question, I don’t know why but I have lost interest in cricket, so I listen to arguments rather than pitching my views.

Now about her, ‘T’ came to my office yesterday, why I don’t know but a friend of mine had already told me that she was going to come, so it was not like I was caught unaware , I had before handed planned that what will I say but then it turned out to be dud affair.

Now she came somewhere around 11, and than she talked to all and I don’t know why but like we both ignored each other, I am sure that she knew I was there but than neither she came to me nor I went up to her….I am still asking myself that why I did not went? not because I was feeling guilty or scared and my heart was racing all the time when she was there but what transfixed me, I don’t know and why she stood her ground -

• perhaps she has forgotten me (I don’t believe this)
• She did not want to talk to me
• She was waiting for me to take initiative
• It does not matter to her

Whatever, at last I just messaged her “ Hi Mam, it was nice to see you – Sincere regards’ D”...and as usual i got no response back.

I never want her to feel uncomfortable and that was why I think, I did not went to talk to her…but still as we both courted the silence unsuccessfully in our stands, I belive it said a lot rather than had we talked, did it? or was it too unsuccessful like me......and for 'T'.......

(You can run, you can hide But you can't escape my love)

Here’s how it goes
You and me
Up and down
But maybe this time
We’ll get it right
Worth the fight
'Cause love is something
You can't shake
When it breaks
All it takes is some trying

If you feel like leaving
I'm not gonna
Beg you to stay
Soon you'll be finding
You can run
You can hide
But you can't
Escape my love
You can run
You can hide
But you can't
Escape my love

So if you go
You should know
It's hard to just
Forget the past
So fast
It was good
It was bad but
It was real and that's
All you have
In the end
Our love mattered

If you feel like leaving
I'm not gonna
Beg you to stay
Soon you'll be finding
You can run
You can hide
But you can't
Escape my love
You can run
You can hide
But you can't
Escape my love

You can run
You can hide
But you can't
Escape my love
You can run
You can hide
But you can't
Escape my love

Here's how it goes
All it takes is some trying

You can run
If you feel like leaving

I'm not gonna
Beg you to stay
Soon you'll be finding
You can run
You can hide
But you can't
Escape my love

If you feel like leaving
I'm not gonna
Beg you to stay
Soon you'll be finding
You can run
You can hide
But you can't
Escape my love

You can run

(You can run, you can hide But you can't escape my love)
- By Enrique

Me - 1

Born on April 14’82
I dont know who on that day died,
But my mother told me
that next to me, a christian boy was also born alive,

My father, they say was elated with joy
but my grandpa, later i know
sighed with relief as I was a boy,

Father held me in his arms
and showed Delhi, from Safdurjung’s window no.5
little he knew than
that his son would end unsuccessful in this city only in his life,

Searching their success through me
my parents put every effort in,
blood in my veins was too strong
to let them easily win,

We were too rich to be poor
I never knew why!
but my dad towed a bicycle
and I always lusted for toys,

I stole 5 Rs. for a chocolate
how come the shopkeeper knew?
next day my mother wept
and I was beaten to black and blue,

This girl in my class
was two inches longer than me,
and we use to fight with water bottles
while waiting for the school bus spree,

I won the spelling contest, until class five
everytime mom said, she will love me even more
if I win the maths olympiad next time and this never bore,

1987 was the best year of all
my sis was born, and I had now someone to talk,
Some years back, she won a competition tight
In which, some years ago his brother was given third prize,

I fell in love with the neighbourhood girl
I dont know which year it was
I thought we had sex on weekends
until she realised that playing with genitals is nothing at all,

I also remember that day
when my mother slapped herself,
just because she taught me social studies
and it was Hindi’s paper hell!

First time I failed, was in sanskrit test
I remember my legs getting weak
just my mind was running
as how to hide this feat,

I fell in love gain, in class eight
my friend thought, I am crazy
laughed at my plight
as the girl was lame and had fat thighs,

I broke my leg in class ninth
while playing football,
my grandfather also died that year
and we had a family brawl,

Now came the boards
I was scared as in hell
In the last science exam
they told “Air” chapter was important
just before the exam bell!

In the year 1999, I saw titanic six times
a girl in my class, looked kate winslet type,
My ship sanked even before it sailed
her father was killed by someone in rage,
some months later, I tried again hard
this time another guy, won this award,
I kiddishly tried to play, the villian part
and ended with a bloody nose, in a street fight at last,

I just passed 12th
my parents dreams were shattered
and I thought
God,I finally won a battle.......

I know this is not a very good poetic attempt, but to depict my life is too complicated and I am born to be Unsuccessful......as far as 'T' is concerned, her fragrance still lingers on......and I fear falling in love again...not again...not with you 'T'...not with you......

The Flight....

As usual I have nothing special to write upon, I just try to sketch what’s going in my life for which I feel frustrated about, as I do not try to make any amendments to it, though knowing the repercussions and still succumb to whimsical moods of life.

I feel that life is a mirage, in all respects, now for days it would go on the same pattern and will make you feel, rather it would make you believe that, this is what you will be doing all through your existence and all of a sudden it takes such a sharp turn that you yourself wonder that what it was that you were hanging to! Sounds pessimistic….perhaps….view through my glasses and everything looks so coloured and as you move forward to enjoy, it turns all pale, which continuously makes me remember of my Unsuccessfulness.

Let me give you a small example, you passed out of the college when this chap entered in and now after 02 years you find him working with you at the same level….I don’t know whether he should call me ‘Sir’ or possibly if he does so, its more intentionally to save my face rather than he feeling proud, how would you react? I don’t know perhaps unsuccessful people like me are doomed to this….and wasn’t HE too unsuccessful as one of his own men betrayed him, while He knew, who it was…..may be you never need to borrow my glasses….let them be fixed to my eyes as they with time, slowly move inside and may replace my eyes…..and than am I fleeing…and if, than fleeing from what?

And on ‘T’, I have nothing to write upon, she has completely disconnected the chord, Training over, D over and I would not blame her on that, but still she doesn’t have a hold over my frugal dreams…..and each night I chase her their and that too unsuccessfully…..

I tried to write a poem but failed disastrously, so I threw in a few words and tried to draw a plot with those, here it comes….


The Flight’

Walking down the aisle
She suddenly realized
He was not perfect, with whom to lead her life,
All incense sticks now smelled bad
and fuck, the priest is also fat,

White dress on her skin
like a dead man face
Hell, there is also a spot on lace,
Her mother’s smile phony, his father’s grave
as the best women whispered Sweety, step the pace,
All incense sticks now smelled bad
and fuck, the priest is also fat,


Her mind thought, Now she is twenty-five
boys chased her, since high school time,
Did spread out her legs, when she was nineteen
does he really mean that I am his queen,
All incense sticks now smelled bad
and fuck, the priest is also fat,

Is his face beaming with pride?
perhaps he is just waiting for some years to pass by,
Honeymoon in Las Vegas, it sucks!
rather she would choose getting dirty in mud,
'Run away baby' she heard someone scream
why then all calm, like still in dream!
All incense sticks now smelled bad
and fuck, the priest is also fat,

Behind the priest, mother whispered to child divine
Son, this human needs respite,
The child eyes twinkled with glory
an arrogant assumption instantly crosses her mind with fury,
Bride eyes now swelled with tears
what’s happening, wondered her peers,
All incense sticks now smelled bad
and fuck, the priest is also fat,

The bird hit the cage, with her beak
as blood came out, everyone freaked,
She ran away with all her might
That gold ring was too small, to her encircle her tight,
All incense sticks now really smelled bad
and fuck, the priest is also fat…..

"Deewane Ho?"

Amusingly after writing about Nizzamuddin Auliya, yesterday I went to that place, not exactly the mazar, but to Karim’s, actually Z came and said that since it was Ramzan time, he would not eat non-veg from anywhere, so we decided that safest bet for him would be to go to either Old Delhi or Nizzamuddin and since the later was close by, we went there. As far as I am concerned for me its ok whatever it is, until I do not seriously ponder over it, I mean what’s the difference; after all we are eating flesh!

Now after reaching there, this was the first time I felt that YES, there is a difference between Us and Them, though Z and Me have been friends for over 5 years now and he has no problem with consuming alcohol and never he takes my satirical remarks to his heart and even before him, I had many friends among Them, who were and still are more closer than with friends among Us.

Now here all people were wearing Ramzani caps and have flourishing beards with them, for a moment I felt that I am in by lanes of Karachi….some of them even speaking different languages and looking more like Afghans! And I do not know why but I was feeling a bit out of place as if this was not my country…I was a bit scared (or perhaps I am over thinking on it) but with Z around I knew I was more safe than in heaven.

Another thing I found out and wondered over that when Urdu is spoken in the same way, why it has sweetness in Lucknow and in Delhi it gets the local rustic touch, which considerably lessen down its charm! Still the waiters of Karim’s were quite proficient and soft-spoken, environ was exuberant and the food delectable. Later as when I came out, I saw a male goat tied, I asked Z, Bakr-id is still far, than why is he tied from now and Z smiled and said – “ Mad****d, what you just ate, was what?” and than I did not dared to look into that animal eyes……

Well after having dinner, as we were looking with shops all filled with delicacies, books and ramzani topis, than we ate pan and were discussing the cuisine difference between Awadhi and Mughlai.

As we moved I saw this wonderful shop in a narrow lane, filled with all types of Ramzani caps….and as Z was searching the best for me from there…..for a miniscule second, I got lost in the thoughts of ‘T’…wondering how will it be to come with her here, where all women are in black Burqas, green bangles and paan-redden lips…..I didn’t realized that a car is honking behind me so as to get inside that lane, until Z pulled me…..the Zen stopped and the next to drivers seat glass rolled down….I was prepared to be abused…when a nearly 60-70 year old lady moved her head out , spitted paan on the nearby dustbin and said entertainingly “Beta, Deewane Ho?" and than there were, female voices, laughing, from inside the car….I just smiled wryly and managed to say Sorry…..and as car snailed in that lane, I heard air whispering in my air “Yes, No….maybe……….

Keep Walking....

As usual today this blog would celebrtae one of the zeniths of unsuccessfullness, though I try hard not to put negative ideas in my mind but perhaps this is the only way I can write. May be positivity in my life has been lost for ever, than be it trifle issues or something of utmost importance.
However, lets walk past my life which spreads negativity all around and rather join the crowd of Delhi which will be running tommorow, for what, I don’t know…I just know that they would be running a marathon, each fleeing from his own fate towards an another one…..

On this I remember the famous saying by Khwaja Nizamuddin Awlia -“Hanooz, Dilli Door Ast!", who sent this message back to the then sultanate ruler Ghiasuddin Tughlak, who had told him that once he come back from Bengal expeditions he will punish him. Pity to his unsuccessfull son, Muhammad Bin Tughlaq, who had created a wooden platform so as when his dad’s elephant walks over it, he could be visible to the crowd, the platform broke down, king died and Awlia become a renowned saint!

How much we run for things, chase them, achieve them and then run for the others “It always remain still far”…. hence forth my condolences for the people of J&K and only God (if there is any) will know, when their marathon would last.

As far as T is concerned, I will now have to write a obituary on Me….that is not such a big task but than as I analyze over it again and again, I know how foolish I was but than I was so drawn into it that I had no other option.
Yesterday as we were departing ( for ever, I guess), I gave her a small couplet that too with spelling mistake…huh

‘…..and on you I will remain quiet
coz they say silence has the might,
as it expresses all
for what even words fall……..’

and on the back of it I wrote this weblog address, hoping she would read it (though I very much regret it later as it takes away my anonymousity from me)….I don’t know what else I could have done and then finally I had the coldest handshake on this earth with the women for whom I yearned for…..
I don’t what she did with that note…may be it was as unsuccessfull as me, to convey the feelings and would have been showcased in the dustbin….

Whatever, I than went to Buzz’ with the group who was now to work at different centres (excluding her, she said she has a meeting) and as alcohol streamed into my blood, the feeling of lonliness was replaced by that of anger….and than I danced as if it was the only way to express my anger…I don’t remember what music it was, something trance…but I just danced….and when I finally dwelled back to my little left senses…I messaged her – “Thx once again “Mam”…….a.k.a T ” and like always she did not replied…..

All I just want to know, that if all strings are detatched and T is asked to say something on me, what will she say…..an unsuccessfull question I guess!

I just died in your arms tonight,
It must have been something you said,
I just died in your arms tonight

I keep on looking for something I can't get,
Broken hearts lay all around me,
But I don't see an easy way to get out of this,

Her diary sits by the bed side table,
The curtains closed, the cats in the cradle,
But who would have thought a boy like me could come to this ?

Ooh.. I just died in your arms tonight,
It must have been something you said,
I just died in your arms tonight
Ooh..
I just died in your arms tonight,
It must have been some kind of kiss
I should have walked away,
I should have walked away

Is there any just cause for feeling like this ?
on the surface, I'm just a name on a list
I try to be discrete but you blow it again.

I'm lost and found this is my final mistake,
She's loving by proxy no giving, all take,
resigned to fill her fantasy one of so many times

Ooh..
I just died in your arms tonight,
It must have been something you said,
I just died in your arms tonight
Ooh..
I just died in your arms tonight,
It must have been some kind of kiss
I should have walked away,
I should have walked away

It was a long hot night, she made it easy,
She made me feel right, and now its over,
The moment is gone
I followed my hands not my head
I knew I was wrong

Ooh..
I just died in your arms tonight,
It must have been something you said,
I just died in your arms tonight
Ooh..
I just died in your arms tonight,
It must have been some kind of kiss
I should have walked away,
I should have walked away
- By Duran Duran

Dead Letters'

Well sometimes I think that when people want to brandish something they try to celebrate it. Now be it any festival or any celebration, because for what is omnipresent you do not require anything to make it visible or perhaps that the ubiquitous become so obscured in daily life that we have to do something phenomenal so as to make it perceptible once again.

If these days you move through Delhi at late night, you will see that various Navratras pandals illuminated by fluorescent tubes and with incorrigible devotional songs blaring on battery-run loud speakers. It’s a pity for those who unfortunately happen to live near such pandals. Also you can see young lads driving fast on motor-bikes and scooters, with that unmistakable vaishno-devi red/saffron flag tied fast on their foreheads. I don’t know how many of them succumb to road accidents and straightaway go to the goddesses’ palace but I pray for those who are just returning back to home from a hard day at work!

So this is what our so called lower class and lower middle class do but what about our hallowed high class, who work in swanky hi-tech offices, how do they make an occasion out of nothing and the various ways in which HR propagates it, one of them is “Ethnic Day”.
Well I always fail to understand the concept of “Ethnic Day”, may be I am too unsuccessful to comprehend even that but than if I am working in my own country, among my own people, except my office work talking in my own national language, eating the same dal-chawal in office along with roti or if you want to call it rice & chapatti. Than for what should I celebrate the fucking “Ethnic Day”?
Please don’t call me a lunatic over this, but if people come flaunting a designer Kurta with jeans and be gaga over “Ethnic Day”, than I refuse to be part of such a nonsensical crowd may what circumstances come. If in it true sense we want to celebrate “Ethnic Day”, why not come in a vest and lungi with gamcha, I think that’s ethnic, isn’t it?

Well may be I am being too cynical over it, but very unfortunately it does not make any sense to me and what that does not make sense to me, I refuse to acknowledge it or you can all me another escaper who does not have Kurtas as it does not look good on lean frame and tries here to defend himself, yet again unsuccessfully…..

Ok now my intrigues with T, well now we have 04 days more together and as each day passes away, I feel like distances increasing by miles, so finally, I thought I should wrote all that which I will never be able to say to her and remember this when I read it later, all I pray this blog does not die its death as we part, I will than loose my touch and what will I write, may be politics! So here what all I want to say to you T if I ever get a chance -

• I do not love you, I know, because I believe that between unequals there could never be love.
  
• I like you the most when your ears develops rashes and they go red, believe me it multiples your beauty a thousand times.
  
• I know you try to be a perfectionist and that is what that attracts me the most.
  
• When you wear that blue dress with your hair open, I than forget everything…..
  
• I want to take you out for a dinner, in the best bistro/restaurant of Delhi and believe me that day in that restaurant, I would be the most proud man.
  
• Your eyes say a thousand words…
  
• When you are tense, it amuses me, I just want to hear you than.
  
• Ok don’t get angry, it does not look too good on you, but I will take it.
  
• Yeah, that small scar on your forehead looks cute.
  
• Yes, No, Maybe…I wonder where it came from!
  
• You dance great but I hate it….I am sorry for this.
  
• When you make fun of me, in front of others, I than just want to hold you by waist pull you close and whisper in your ears “So…what else…”
  
• Sexy…..You? Let me think…..
  
• I respect you as a trainer and Yes you are good at it.
  
• Ok, if you have a boyfriend, close on your arms around him, look into his eyes straight and than give a peck and say that you love him more than anything, if he has a weak heart, he will die…..
  
• I know, you know but than I understand……..
  
• If we ever cross again and you with someone else, please don’t recognize me……

All these are dead letters, because never I will be able to say, never she will know...how unsuccessful

Pursuing Salvation'

Well, I today do not feel any reason to write or perhaps I do not have anything to write upon. I have nothing to do and I have so much to take care off. Sometimes I feel that why the time is not passing off and every now and then I have so much to do, that I start feeling the time constraint. I am so disgusted over my attitude and than I feel that there is nothing I can do much about it.

This is not relation to any one but only Me & Myself , I every time promise myself that I would work hard and would solely work towards my aim in life but than I have so many distractions, some created by myself and some which come along that I wonder that what ultimately would happen…..

Ok, anyhow as I was reading a book and I found some quotes that are worth remembering, these all show that the fight we continuously have within ourselves and in which we win to lose and vice-versa. I don’t know if they are applicable to each one of us but every time I read them and that through different angles and thoughts I find them worth applicable, so –

“Let him who seeks, continue seeking until he finds, when he finds, he will become troubled. When he becomes troubled, he will be astonished and he will rule over the all”

“Recognize what is in your sight and that which is hidden from you will become plain to you. For there is nothing hidden, which will not become manifest”

“That which you have will save you, if you bring it forth from yourselves. That which you do not have within you (will) kill you, if you do not have it within you”

“Light & Darkness, Life & Death, Right & Left are brothers of one another. They are inseparable. Because of this neither are the good, good nor the evil, evil, nor is life, life nor is death, death. For this reason each one will dissolve into its earliest origin. But those who are exalted above the world are indissoluble, eternal”

“When a blind man and one who sees are both together in darkness, they are no different from one another. When the light come, than who he sees will see the light and he who is blind will remain in darkness” *Bloody Hell, that’s science but still…*

And than when I read this all, I made my own proverb “Even HE was crowned to be despised and we are just mortals…”

And as I stepped out of these erratic musings into the real world, I remembered T and realized that how much I try not to be close to her, I find myself being pulled and than as I am being pulled I understood that when nothing is going to come out of it why to think? but than I cant help myself, I hate this…..than I tried to write something like one of Vikram Seth “Nightingale’s Story” and find that how unsuccessful I am even to copy some one….absurd!

I titled it The Princess and Peasant’


Far across the seven seas
There lived a princess, beautiful like never seen,
She was from the poets land
Born and brought up in English sand,
Nothing there in the distant realms
Hold her fantasy for long means,

The princess was a child at heart
Though matureness was her characters part,
She got bored of the jugglers game
Even nightingale songs were now insane,

Princess had a long cherished dream
To roam the whole world’s scene,
Know about people in and out
She liked their different voices and sound,
But alas across the seven seas
She didn’t had a bird free like means,

The princess had a prince also though
He wasn’t near, nor far a bow,
She missed him night and day
Only winters paved their meeting way,
She rejoiced and sparkles whenever he came
Falling snow was their favorite game,

A peasant from the princess native land
Heard about her mesmerizing charms
Some said Her hairs were long, as about his own arms,

He sailed across the seven seas
Through rough winds and wild beasts,
Finally reached the distant land
Heard princess palace was near the English sand,

He was too shy and confused
Didn’t knew why he came across the blues,
Went up to the palace and called her name
Guards imprisoned him for royal disdain,
Decision was rested in princess hand
Heard peasant was never asked about his stand,

Poet didn’t knew what happened next
Coz people in both countries burnt the rest text…………

On Rent....

Well I can’t help myself not writing this narrative, especially when I am again searching for a room. If one has ever lived a bachelor life out of his/her city, he/she would easily relate that search for a room is a big quest. It’s more or less like a pilgrimage succeeded, if you find a room and that too a good one.

So my quest till now has stretched over for 5 long years and has been a quite interesting one, though to depict them all would leave to eventual boredom, quipping some of them would be rather worth it.

The first time I searched for a room I was 19 years old, in the city of Nawabs i.e. Lucknow and had just left the college hostel as life outside, without any prohibitions was to amorous to be not lived off. So after 2 days of hectic search coupled with the disgruntled snores of the collegiate, in whose room me and my luggage were put alike, me and N found a room, it was more of a flat with a big garden and 3 big rooms, which later turned out to be too big for us, so after one month w again started looking for a new one….

……This time I got the best room of my life, the landlords were old couple whose son lived in Pune (may be in a rented room!). The room was fully furnished, a full size mirror and a narrow verandah which later was turned into a cricket pitch and our “Dope Zone”, my ears could still hear our voices filled with laughter of madness and our red eyes telling that we all are on a different platform from rest of the world.

After college I moved to the capital of India, now since both Me and N were now doing job, so we decided that we should live in a better place though Z wanted to live somewhere else, so Green Park Extension became our new home, this flat which we later furnished with TV, Cd-player/music system, a cooler than A.C…….
This room also witnessed my three phone friends, my small success and N’s triumph into C.D.S. and yeah it was also the place where Z and Me decide to take career breaks, one came out with flying colours and another too unsuccessful to talk about that….

So since I was not earning, I moved to cheaper place and a studious environ of Zia Sarai, my first Bong landlords, and the only contact with outside world was through a window which is criss-crossed by high voltage lines!
Things again moved and I moved with them from Zia Sarai to Rajinder Nagar from there to Vijay Nagar and now back to Zia Sarai but one thing I learnt through all this endeavors is that a house is not built by bricks or mortar rather it is built by people who live in there.

And if again I go back to each of the room where I stayed, I would feel an untold warmth irrespective of what I am now and what I will be, there would be a lot of memories that would have been left behind, hiding in some corner, waiting for me and others to come and take them away, and these memories would be priceless for which I do not have to pay any rent to any one….

T confuses Me everyday, one moment she seems so close and suddenly there is a blanket of aloofness that scares me down my spine. What will happen after this week, when Me and T would separate to go our ways, will she remember me or would I just be another trainee gone, would I be still writing about her or will that be the end of this small fling, that was born to be unsuccessful……just like rented homes- How much you like them, you have to leave them.


One fine day, a dew fell on a grass
Which has edges very sharp,
The Grass said “Go away you old damn”
The Dew replied It was God’s wish now it’s your turn to strive with”,
The grass, also started liking the dew
But alas Sun stroked and wind blew…..

Mahatma and Me'

After reading the newspaper, I only realized that today is October 2, “Bapu’s B’day”…..there was a long article in TOI, on how the Gen Nxt (I hope that includes me too) have forgotten his values and how he has been ridiculed for his sayings, which they think do not apply in contemporary times.
As I am writing this I also remember the question that I answered in JNU entrance exam about Bapu’s policies and their relevance in today’s globalized world. (I failed in that exam)

Two years ago for me M.K. Gandhi was just a political leader, raised as an apostle because of a party that ruled our independent India, I rated him below Bose because I could more relate to extremism than ahimsa.
As I read a few books on the independence struggle of India, of both Nationalist and Marxist views, one thing I realized, that for me... "M.K.Gandhi slowly turned to Bapu". I found out that Gandhi was indeed the essence of India and his place as the “Father of the Nation” is unquestionable.

He was the one who tied this country in one string and voiced the language of the masses, with whom our early leaders and even today the present leaders, fail to connect. A glimpse of his greatness was seen when J.L. Nehru was making his famous “Tryst with Destiny” speech in the secure environs of Delhi…..Bapu was in a small village around Calcutta trying to stop the riots just by his mere presence’

Whatever historians, journo and philosophers or so called Gandhians say, “Bapu” for each one of us is different..... for me Gandhi was politically apolitical, he was too religious and yet a non-believer, he was a fakir among elites and a saint among poor. He was and is the true India..my India.

On his B’day, I would just like to request that please buy a coy of “My Experiments with Truth” and read it…you will discover “Bapu” and like me you would hate to love him…because on what he did is so right yet so tough, to be said right….as he himself said “I emerged out successful to be unsuccessful….”

Back to my “Experiments with T…lol….

I don’t know what’s going on
The air has been dead for so long,
Sometimes you react and sometimes you are cool
And everytime I end like a fool,

When I say something
You dismay it like a vice,
And when I am not serious
Why you suddenly act so wise?

When I open my heart
You close all your doors,
And when I turn back
You say “I am professionally yours”,

I know I am not the best out there
But believe me; even I have flair,
Just say, you know what I mean
Or I am just living in a dream,

Even I know what’s going to be the end
But till than please take a stand,
This mystery kills me every night
And when we depart, you say “sleep tight!”

I don’t know what’s going on
The air has been dead for so long…..

.....Fallen Angel!

A small note when the crowd was mad partying and I was sitting at a fucking computer nearby, trying to analyze whether I should celebrate my unsuccessfullness...when my Angel came and submerged in the crowd, leaving me dazed and than the Men and Machine amalgamated and this came out

They all are riveted in a fever unexplained
some now even dont know how to pronounce the word "sane",
I don't belong to that crowd, I know
am I lost or found or is it just "No show",
My Angel has also fallen prey
something demised, I don't know what to say?
Perhaps I should remain quite and calm
cause its neither silent nor a storm....

Perhaps I am overeacting.....Am I?
P.S - She dances good!

......Lost and Found!

Finally today N and Me met….this tryst was a regaling experience for my soul. All the apprehensions I had, swayed away as embraced each other and I was overwhelmed with a feeling of finally meeting some one whom I longed for.
We talked and just talked (most of which, I did), as we revisited our past, got amused about our present and wondered about the future (more of mine, less of him).He listened to me very patiently and I vented out like a volcano….all the emotions that were so deeply embedded finally found a way and after that I felt so relaxed as if I was to die after this, I would have no regrets.

I don’t know, may be our friendship of 05 years was the base or he had grown up but than he listened to me and that was all, I was looking for…he gave me no crap talk, nothing, just patiently listened and than he gave me a mantra, though he said it very naturally I know but it sounded like a mantra to me “When you cant do what you like to, why to ruin what you are doing, at least enjoy it!”
And when we finally parted…..He to his successful world and Me to the by lanes of my unsuccessfulness, I had one thing, which is still frozen on my face, A smile of satisfaction, that will make me go through the ordeal for some more time.....till the rays in the morning would wake me up to remind that how unsuccessfull they are today, to raise the dead up...

On that good note, T and Me had some small talk yesterday and once again I would not like to read between them, will just word them out on the paper........

Scene -1
T – I have high expectations from you. (She said that as a Trainer)
D - *I kept quite*

Scene -2

T – Bhai, do it correctly
D- Now who is Bhai here….*as I took my headset off*
T – *smiles and than exclamation* what’s happening!

Scene- 3

D – Will you let me know about the shift (I said that as a trainee)
T – Of course I will
D – But you don’t have my no.*makes face, as if telling her, whenever I message you, you never reply back*
T – Doesn’t it end with 13152 *smiles*

I finally messaged her on when she forgot to call me about my shift “U…….Me…..Trnspt…..Shift? Am I on leave today “Mam”?” and her curted reply was “No, ur offc rprtng is 8 pm today”
I don’t know whether I am acting as a school boy, trying to make nothing out of it or may be she is handling it too well…or the worst is that the she thinks I am crazy’…..whatever…. “When you cant do what you like to, why to ruin what you are doing, at least enjoy it!”
On that note for N, Me, Z and all friends….

I got my first real six-string
bought it at the five-and-dime
played it till my fingers bled
it was the summer of '69

me and some guys from school
had a band and we tried real hard
jimmy quit and Jody got married
I should known we'd never get far

oh when I look back now
that summer seemed to last forever
and if i had the choice
ya - i'd always wanna be there
those were the best days of my life

ain't no use in complainin'
when you got a job to do
spent my evenin's down at the drive-in
and that's when i met you

standin' on your mama's porch
you told me that you'd wait forever
oh and when you held my hand
I knew that it was now or never
those were the best days of my life
back in the summer of '69

man we were killin' time
we were young and restless
we needed to unwind
I guess nothin' can last forever - forever, no

and now the times are changin'
look at everything that's come and gone
sometimes when I play that old six-string
I think about ya wonder what went wrong

standin' on your mama's porch
you told me it would last forever
oh the way you held my hand
i knew that it was now or never
those were the best days of my life
back in the summer of '69
- Bryan Adams

Quenchless Thirst'

Sometimes it happens, that you want to talk to some one, who could understand you and dispel your fears, relate to your hopes and praise you when you are down, comfort you with words and do everything that could be done to make you feel proud of yourself and once again prepares you to take life head on but when you don’t have some one then….

You look at your mobile, which shows a memory of 73 and accordingly that means that there are 73 people in this world to whom you can talk but are they really people or just numbers whom you call ! Because right now I cannot find any of these numbers useful…for me all these 73 are just numbers and I know that if I call any one of them no one would be able to understand me, they all would take different positions but none of them would have the perfect answer for me and may be some of them would just laugh at it….does that make me unsuccessful even in making friends?
So rather should I have foes, because if I call and tell them of my insecurities at least they would understand it and will make me feel more insecure but at least they would understand me….

So N is back, my first thought when I heard that he is going to arrive was to dodge him and say “I am not in Delhi anymore” but than I realized that running away will not be of any help and for how long I would be able to do so, finally we are going to meet tomorrow, that is if he has time and I know he would take it out.
May be its 2005 and N is very much there, as successful as one can be and me still living in 2003 from where we both started, one now an Army officer and another still searching for what he wants to be, truly “Unsuccessfully yours”.

And now of my trifle one sided romantic allusion….well, there is nothing much left to talk about it , I don’t know if there was ever anything…nor did I expected anything out….I always knew it was going to end like this…but till it ends… “I’m lovin it”.
Just that T takes me like all others, she knows everything but as one of my friends said “She is too used to such type of overtures” anyhow for her remarks that did hurt me…… “Et tu T”……

Leaves are falling, and something's calling me here
The state of depression that I'm walking in
Got the impression that I won't stay here long
I know I am like this, but still I don't know what to do

The sky is darkening
I can feel it in the air
My heart is sinking
I know winter's on its way
I know I am like this
But still I don't know what to do
I know I am like this
Oh , show me what to do

I know there's a way to get this another day
When will I know if there's a way for me?
I want to lie in the sand and have the sun shine on me
Is that way too much to ask?
- by Six Pence None d Richer

Desert Rain'

Nothing new as usual, except I have started reading a book by Dan Bernstein which dissects Dan Brown and his theories, after going through some pages a revelation occurred to me that has been long obscured by the unknown charisma of Christianity.
I felt that what the West is now trying to find out or is discussing upon, we in East have done that centuries ago. If we talk about Hinduism, I can say that we have given our goddesses designated place though in some cases we have just stranded them next to their male deity and their existence revolves around them, however all goddesses have their own individuality e.g. if we take Sita who prefers to go down in earth rather than going again with Rama or Shakti who burns herself making Shiva heretic.

Though I myself do not believe on mythology and would rather like to believe history as what found during archaeological dig-ups and with explanations but than it fills with a unknown proud that well at least is somewhere we lead the West and that too by centuries. So what if we do not have today 8 lane highways or electricity in all our villages, the faith is unblemished in our billion plus family and India is really shining!

My Aim here is not to hurt any religion or say that we are better, all I am just pondering upon the findings of the Da Vinci Code and further discussion upon it. Though I personally feel that the best way to reach God ( if there is any)is to help fellow human beings without any prejudice and if rated on that scale I would vote for Mother Teresa, Mahatma Gandhi, Edison, Newton and on some grounds even Pope John Paul II as the messiahs of the new age world.

Now let’s talk about mortals like me, who are cached in the monotonous vagaries of life, so my sweetheart got a promotion….now I don’t know how to react to that…be happy for her( which I am, because I know she deserve it) or to rue over the fact that distances have increased by miles…….

I don’t know but as time slips by, the charm is fading away though every time I see her it increases by leaps and bounds and I just want to tell her that “How Much I just wanna sit with her and talk and know about her Aspirations, her Dreams, her Successes and of her fears and none the less of my unsuccessfulness….”

The last thing I hope that I am not getting too much humdrum in all what I want to say but if I am getting predictable than what? But than isn’t the Sun predictable, he rises every day just to go down….and so is he too unsuccessful……


And this is one of my Imaginations for her….

When the stars lit up the sky
Night act as a spy,
When there is just darkness between Me and U
Meaning of distances changes to something new,

When the heart struggles to beat
Or may be it’s the head spinning feat,
I miss u like dreams of a child
Making no sense, innocent and wild,

I wish I could tear those strings
Which keep us bounded to our rings,
Is it only me who build castles in air
Swear, I hold you responsible for this flair,

I am deprived of a saintly joy
Do u believe in it or take it as a toy,
Don’t panic, I am as cool as sea
Just drown in me to be free,

Possession is the art I master
Join me if you wanna walk faster,

Forget it, it’s all vague
Earth only open when hit by spade
Broke the crust that hurts your heart
For me you are my Desert Rain sweetheart.......

Monday's Aurora

Hi, Monday was not not exactly stressful nor easy, at the end of it, I emerged out in true senses as Unsuccessfully Yours’….It all started with first call that I took and whereas I was more concentrated on my rate of speech, I finally figured out that if your process knowledge is good there are a lot of things that you can work out.
So, I handled a range of queries which ranged from Katrina victims to customers fancying to increase their credit limit…if I start writing about this only, I would be more or less talking in jargons, so its better I just conclude it with “that my average call handling time was the most, however I was the only one to make a sale”
Altogether Monday was just about work and work……that gives me a creepy feeling that the demise of this scripture is coming near…Yes, No ..maybe…

About T since we both were so involved in our worlds though being interrelated that we did not get any time for anything, except at the end of day when I called her to confirm something and this is how it goes…

D- Mam, what about this (and my question)
T – (she answered it)
D – Thank Mam, it was tough today…
T – I can understand, Ok now don’t bore me, got important work to do
D – Ahhan, so now you would say this to me..
T – Ok…(sounds smiling to me at least)
D – Ok Mam, take care
T – You too

I don’t know, may be in coming three weeks this will also die its death and than I would have nothing to jot on but whatever… “Don’t every one of us born to die”….does that make everyone of us born to be unsuccessful…..

And at last…this what I feel about T & Me…

All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
This is not enough

I'm in serious s--t, I feel totally lost
If I'm asking for help it's only because
Being with you has opened my eyes
Could I ever believe such a perfect surprise?

I keep asking myself, wondering how
I keep closing my eyes but I can't block you out
Wanna fly to a place where it's just you and me
Nobody else so we can be free

All the things she said
Running through my head
This is not enough
This is not enough

And I'm all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed
They say it's my fault but I want her so much
Wanna fly her away where the sun and rain
Come in over my face, wash away all the shame
When they stop and stare - don't worry me
Cause I'm feeling for her what she's feeling for me?
I can try to pretend, I can try to forget
But it's driving me mad, going out of my head

Mother looking at me
Tell me what do you see?
Yes, I've lost my mind

Daddy looking at me
Will I ever be free?
Have I crossed the line?

-By T.A.T.U"

Lost Sundays...

I do not remember, from when Sundays have lost their importance for me, I believe there was a time when I looked forward for Sundays to come, perhaps that was around a decade ago (writing a decade ago, makes me feel how old I am).
Yes, perhaps that was around a decade ago, when Sundays meant Rangoli in early morning, lot of serials till 11 am and than a lazy lunch at 4pm along with Sunday movie and finally the dreaded night when you pack your school bag for next day! Definitely all that glamour of Sundays has been lost somewhere, somehow…now Sunday just mean an another day when I do not have to go to office (till now) and reading newspaper which has load of supplements. Can I please buy back those Sundays...

Last night I went to TGIF, Gurgaon and it was not worth it, though my main idea was to gulp some rum as I was already drenched by those incessant rains and last thing I would have liked was to catch pneumonia as from Monday onwards I am on the floor. However I gulped two large shots and since I had not slept from Friday morning, I was already dozing off before the alcohol can spur its magic…somehow i managed to reach my home back and slept like a log, when i woke up and saw the newspaper i realized..today is sunday..so?

We were three people, Me, Z and his friend, while they were talking about college; I was just trying to figure out the football league match b/w ManU and some other club….all this time, I felt how distances change relationship, though people are not different they remain the same but you always cannot talk about history….as human we tend to look forward….however what about those whom we leave at different corners of our life…..are those people, memories, thoughts are lost in that time or just remain as fossils…

Now about T, every time I think about her, adjoining thoughts about “How long our rendezvous is going to endure?”.... slip in too and than I feel nostalgic and try to divert my mind.
Yesterday we disagreed on existence of “GOD” and finally I walked out only to message her on my way back “ Thx, mam….even the Weather Gods are happy…” than she called me up on asking what I mean and I gave her a silly explanation that it is raining and she believes on God, so they are weeping at my fate…lol.
later when I narrated this incident to my friend, he told me "she is a trainer and she has been handling trainees like me in every batch of hers, so its nothing new for her and don’t try to figure out something on your own" and than the already drenched me felt water creeping inside my heart and dampening it too.

I don’t know, may be I should have more important things on my mind and T is just another phase, like many of those which I have passed over through my 23 years of existence and I feel no reason to be hopeful just like the "Captain of Titanic" who was destined to be Unsuccessful…..
Tere baare mein jab socha nahi tha
Mein thanha tha magar ithna nahi tha,
Theree thasveer se kartha tha bathein
Mere kamre mein aaina nahi tha,

Wishing Star'

Well, today’s post is going to be an interesting one in some respects and quite monotonous in all other ways. Now if I do not start writing about Indian politics or Sania Mirza here,I would not have much to scribble about. However I will try to analyze a few things other than what directly affect my life.

Lets start from the Newspapers, I always wonder that on Sunday who read those matrimonial columns, I find them so ridiculous and ambiguous, which makes me brood over the fact that are people so desperate or is it a necessity to get married. Now let me give some examples…

“Looking for a well-educated, homely/working girl, for 27 yr old M.B.A son, working in MNC, earning@5lac p.a. contact P.O. Box no 2134.” – My reflection- I know all girls look for a financial cover these days but isn’t it the limit”

“Fair-complexion, non-manglik, educated, homely girl, from a well-settled business family from posh south Delhi, preferably looking for business house groom” - My reflection - As if a business deal is to be settled out and with no bad intentions, Punjabi’s rule in these types of advts.

Now the most hilarious ones are of Divorcees, I know they have already once gone through the grind and why they again want to test themselves out is all I have no clues off, here they go “35, N.RI., green-card holder, coming to India in Dec end, issueless divorce , please enclose photograph with mail.”
Now the whole exercise behind this was to JUST GET MARRIED! I am sorry but than I don’t agree, may be ‘Pairs are made in heaven…but they are not solemnized by newspapers’ and as far as for me, I don’t mind that extra sheets of paper being delivered to me n Sundays which are pasted on my wall to hide those cracks, to change the dirty shelf paper or to eat over them…

Now back to my infatuation story, well toady T and I flirted in a more contented manner, while my approach was to toe the line of not going crazy, she was just trying to incite me, may be to test my patience! Anyhow whatever it was, it was just amazing, still I am relishing her words and statements, so let me jet down a little script and as usual, just the script…..

Script -1

D – Thanks Mam *straight face, as if angry* (this was when, I was leaving for the day)
T - *looks back straight into my eyes*
D – What mam? *walks back in through the open door*
T- Nothing *straight faced*
D – Mam, training is not over yet, it’s going to take time to be on floor *smiles*
T - *smiles back* what u want to do?
D - Even I don’t know! *walks out*
*walks back in* Oh! Mam, this is for you, got one extra* gives her a center-fresh*
T – I don’t want* straight faced, looking at computer*
D - Give it to some one else, at least it will bring a smile on his face*smiles*
T – Well, you take it *offers me back, smiling*
D – Mam, I am happy beforehand *laughs and walks away*

I don’t know what is going to be the outcome of it, when I say this I mean “outcome” as in…. would be become friends? Because all I know she is too far too distant to be reached….so one of my old original poems for her and on those thoughts…..which are just like castles of sand, destined to be unsuccessful….

Wishing Star
Saying all this through the words
I don't know if this is the crust,
Things seems to change
Even the weather has now a range,
Smiles seem suddenly so cute
I am hearing everything, even if it's mute,
Waiting for the evergreen rain
Like farmer of a fertile plain,
Sky seems suddenly so blue
Every time when I think of you,
Whenever you speak low
I feel an unknown glow
Your voice runs through my heart
Like a kid playing till sunlight last,
Just don't ever leave
Coz I just want to weave
A web of emotions round you
So that you are in a glue
And make you my wishing star
So close, so true yet so far……

Digressing Perpetuity'

So what to write today, everyday when I come online I am always confused with as what to write? However I am not keeping a track of the word limit but have decided that I will paste a song and some doodles if I can.

As far in the job, my training is going to end literally today and officially tomorrow, so from Monday onwards I would be taking calls, which I know would be much more tough and I do not fancy myself as a flawless conversationalist and also my rate of speech which is very fast….so lets see.

Things which are right now in my mind are –

1. Washing a shirt for today’s night-shift

2. Buying a sharpener so as to convince myself that I want to study(I bought a pencil weeks ago, so as to underline what I read, since I do not have a sharpener and unless I peel her skin off I would not be able to the desired!)

3. What will happen on Monday….would I be able to handle it all?

I do not have an exciting life, I think…I wonder if anyone has! But than what I hate about my life is that I am not able to do anything or talk about anything, except my fucking Job and T and for how long I would be able to talk about her so incessantly, I don’t know.

Well let me enumerate what all antics I did to grab her attention, regretfully I hate doing that but I cannot think of as how to tell her, what I mean and how much I want to say it all in just simple words, anyhow so…

I drew some vague sketches of her dress, a kurta with green stripes, her earrings and than thankfully one of my colleagues showed that to her…and than neither she smiled nor she scorned….she left me guessing, like stripes of her kurta which were strained but they even they were so unaware of why they were drawn in such a pattern…..her earrings, dangling in air and swirling as her neck moves like my heart does when she looks into my eyes…..

Ok, than I had a good small talk with her, which was ruined by the arrival of others…I don’t know if we were both talking on the same platform but than I can sense the skirmishes that I tried to invigorate in that small 3 minutes conversation…that’s so confusing….its an unending saga…..

“Mera chain bain sab ujda
jaalim nazar hata le, barbaad ho rahe hai ji
tere apne shaher wale

Ho tujhse milna purani dilli main
chod aaye nishani dilli main
pal nimani dari betalab
teri meri kahani dilli main.”

On that chirpy line…..let’s cut the crap off!

Connoted Expressions'

I have no clues as how to start today’s entry, I feel that since I have just started this blog and the excitement to continue on with it , is what which makes me come online religiously. Perhaps as I prolong on with this, posts would become more irregular and boring, also I would loose the zest and than I would have nothing to talk about, except my calls!

Well, whatever. Right now I have belongings to add on, so last night introspection was just momentary and as I got assimilated with the crowd, the sting that I was carrying also lost its authority….so altogether it was just a transitory phase that passed on like Delhi’s shower which I guess they call “Monsoon-retreat”. The question here would be that, did it give me the respite I needed…..

Let me start from today morning and than I would catalog last night deeds. So while coming back home I was witness to the haughtiness of one of my cab partners (it’s like we people get drops by office cabs, so partners who fall in the same path) who just for getting home early turned around the whole normal route we follow….for long I remained a silent spectator and than decided to follow the path of Civil Disobedience as Mahatma did once. So I got off from the cab and took a bus back home….I have no regrets, at least I feel that it was the best I could do rather than fathoming his ego and structuring my response against it. I too have ego problems but I guess over the years I have devised a way to curb them and also learnt to counter-attack without getting involved, how successful……???

Ok about her now, I don’t know still, so the best way out to be would to reminisce what transcripted between us and leave the inference part…

Script -1

D – Mam, you know when you came the first time, I was not there and people told me that you are very strict

T – Yeah, that’s the general perception; people have about me

D - May be, before meeting you, I got such a different feedback about you

T – From whom?

D – All others in the class! *amused*

T – So what was that?*smiling*

D – I wont tell you, let me get on the floor. *a small curve of lips*

T – No tell me know! *roll of eyes but not angry*

D – See mam, there are a lot of things to be said and done but let me get on the floor first* said this statement with a straight face**

T – What? ( I don’t know, what her expressions were then but yeah her voice told me she was not angry)….

Script – 2

D – What will happen on the floor…*me looking straight in her eyes trying to tell, I don’t mean this, I mean what will be life without you*

T – Nothing to worry…..*pause as if thinking and me still staring*…..I will be there na* I look down*

Well these are just what I can remember of today…..and I don’t want any presumptions to be based on them…I have done this all a lot of times but does she get what my eyes scream or whenever our eyes meet do she knows, what’s in there? Or is just another unsuccessful endeavor…..

Tuesday's Debacle

As usual, what generally happens, my life is again taking a U-turn and most probably ending in another fiasco, though personally how much hard I try, I always give in to my natural instincts and than bear the brunt of it.
Before being in this place, I have already gone through the mill of an unending disappointment well structured by my own devices, when all of my friends are doing something worthy in my life, I am still laying the foundations of my shaky future…am I destined to be like this or is it of personal choices that is why I always end up nowhere, I don’t know? May be it would take me another some Unsuccessful years to figure that out and perhaps by then it would be too late….

I always wonder that I have always to think about my parents who on a relative scale may be well settled now but in coming 5 years would have to face the ignominy of being bearers to an unsuccessful son both materialistically and physically and than an unending trauma they would have to go through that they have once lived during their starting years and I would be so helpless by then that all I would be able to do is just wonder on that where I went wrong.

The weirdest thing is that unlike millions of unsuccessful like me at least I know that I have responsibilities which many unsuccessful people I have met do not share but than that what sucks! Because if I know everything and still I do not try to change it up who would be the biggest fool than me…that’s why I feel “Being Ignorant is bliss”.

So why today I am writing this all, may be all I need is to vent out my feelings and have a introspection with my soul which like a semi-functional lighthouse only shows its faint light in the most troubled times.

Well after I became wholly unsuccessful in whatever field I tried my hand, I had than decided to function on these guidelines-
1- I will study along with Job
2- I will live alone
3- I know, what I am so No girls
4- I wont spend money on trifle stuff
5- I will act mature and professionally

Now when I look back and try to review myself on these, I find today that
1- I am not studying
2- I am lonely and living alone
3- ?
4- Well, right now I am doing it
5- I tried hard in vain

Its nothing like, that the world has ended today for me, I believe in myself and I know I can spring back from situations worse than this but than when it happens, I loose the edge that is required and that is what happening to me here…..I don’t know if I should formulate new plans, I don’t think they are required but writing here it all have installed a confidence in me that I can, Yes I can and why should not I, I have seen people getting out from worse than what I am in, it all requires me to wake up and when will I and how will that is always the question which every time I believe that I will solve but never able to do…..that’s why I am Unsuccessfully Yours’.

P.S – I messaged her “…tht story is still unfinished nd its turning out 2 be a bad day Mam…nd I wonder! (nehw sry 2 disturb u at dis odd hour)” - and I am still waiting for her response, I don’t know if she asleep or deliberately did not message me back and than why should she?…..but will she understand what I need, because I am myself confused about it but I have decided to play it either safe or give it a mild shot, depends on how she react on today’s morning Ronaldhino kick on that Chips packet!

I have found some reasons that as why should I never think about her in any “role-play”
1- She is 105 days younger to me (July 29’ 1982 and me April 14’ 1982)
2- She is beautiful and I am wasted
3- She is exactly 2 steps above me in the organizational hierarchy and to reach where if I am damn good would take not less than 02 years
4- She must have her reasons…lol

Pity on being Unsuccessful….God this is limit. ….I need a break!