I was in a different city. I know you didn’t miss me. I was looking for you even there in that strange crowd. I looked for you from over the skies. I looked for you in that pool. I dreamt about you all night. But I never found you, not even in my dreams. You were faceless. It appears everything is diminishing – the moistness that I always felt in your lips, the look of your eyes that expressed anger, and everything that I always followed for understanding what you never said but the most I miss is your smell. I feel lost, like a child in a fair, where there are so many attractions but my eyes search for you. I never find you and then I become disheartened. I don’t weep because I always knew this was to be so.
I came back. I searched for your signs everywhere. I went back to those places where I think I left you. Those moments are there. I close my eyes and relive them only to realise that they are gone. I have lost them or they were never mine. But I know I lived in those moments. I was disturbed last night, I felt like screaming your name, I was angry. Then I searched for a memento. I know I have lost them all, returned them or you never gave me one but still I searched. I know if I ever loved you, I’ll find one, somewhere, somehow. I found your hair in the jacket that I wore in winters. I know they were yours, don’t ask me how. I smelled them and then kept it back. I did not feel bad. I know they will not stand time, like me, like everything here and I always knew this was to be so.
Even in words I tried to find you. Ask all those books which I have read, they know it. They will vouch for me. The paper on which I wrote this will also swear by it and so will the pen. It seems everyone at my home knows you. The fan, the bed, the table and every night they ask me – Have you met her today? I don’t answer them. I keep quiet. They understand my silence and it appears they are sad. But I cheer them up; tell them stories of people I have met. The long list of work I have to do. I plan with them about it. They know I’m faking and so do I but we never question each other. We all knew this was to be so.
I know you are here with me, while I am writing this. In fact, I can see you in the water bottle in front of me. Strange but Yes I can. There is some water left in it. It’s been days and also it hasn’t rained. I reason it out not to drink. There is a paper, which boasts that it has your smell. I have preserved it. How long? I don’t know. Oh Delhi….I miss you. I want to be with you but I know this will never happen and the tag of being ‘unsuccessful’ reminds me that this was always to be so.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Away...
This is what I felt, when for two days I was in Bangalore.......
Monday, April 23, 2007
Trishanku - I
He was fighting for more than survival. The city by now had sapped all his strength. Both Physical and Mental. The monotonous routine of to and fro from office was lost in the blue screen of the television. His only source of entertainment. Off late he had started watching ‘Tamil’ channels. First out of curiosity, then trying to learn the language and finally because at midnight they were the only channel showing lot of cleavages and navels. As time passed and the skin show was more often repeated than not, he started contemplating watching discovery...may be animals are better than humans!
Whatever, the idea was still stuck in his head when summers arrived. Delhi in summers is all about sweat and power cuts. Both have an interesting relationship. When ‘power’ dies ‘sweat’ takes birth. So, our dear friend has to undergo long bouts of sweating, which in no ways was amicable to his health. Don’t know but science says that most of our body weight is cause fluids.
Guess like its a human tendency that we often reason when we are alone. We ponder. We debate and we try to find answers to those innumerable questions, which are hidden in the core of our hearts. Some, like to run away from them and find that ignorance is actually bliss. Anyhow, our dear friend...sorry, we forgot to give him a name but anyhow how is that important? He could be anyone from anywhere doing anything. Yes, so our dear friend also had to undergo this painful exercise. He christened this as ‘path to destruction.’ Why? Reason, at the end of this non-senscial debate, the end product was that he realised the ‘unsucessfullness’ of debating it. He never emerged with a perfect plan and even if he did he never implemented it. But the regularity of these self-discussions were as regular as the power cuts of Delhi and both were able to bring out one thing - sweat.
His friend circle was not a big one. Hold on. That nowhere means he was socially unacceptable. Just that those he called ‘friends’ were just acquaintances. Check his orkut. I believe there are only three people added there as friends or perhaps four. Call it his bad luck all were in different cities. So, more or less, they were numbers on his mobile phone, which once or sometime twice in a week realised that they need to buzz.
The conversation was mostly about -
1. How they doing?
2. Why life sucks?
3. How are their respective girlfriends?
4. Why he don’t want to have one?
5. About his heart breaks?
6. And, about job.
So overall, everything was discussed, which perhaps fall in the gambit of word ‘friendship.’
Back to his room. The electricity had just announced it arrival. It was the tube light first, which tried to out beat others but it was the fan who announced it with a creaking sound. He switched on the television. There was a rain song being aired. The actresses wet saree was clinging to her skin. But this was the nth time the same song was being played. He had no clues what they were singing but he knew their next step. He looked at his phone, it was sleeping. The first rays of sun were trying to beat the streetligths. It was time to sleep. Just that he do not want to rise up. Not again. Never. But as his eyes closed he knew, the silent phone will turn into an alarm in another 5 hours and then once gain the monotonous routine will start. The fight is not for survival and there is no ending to it....
P.S - Trishanku is a mythical charachter. Please follow this link for more info - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trishanku . Also, this is the first part which, I intend to conclude in another two but there is no timeline.
Whatever, the idea was still stuck in his head when summers arrived. Delhi in summers is all about sweat and power cuts. Both have an interesting relationship. When ‘power’ dies ‘sweat’ takes birth. So, our dear friend has to undergo long bouts of sweating, which in no ways was amicable to his health. Don’t know but science says that most of our body weight is cause fluids.
Guess like its a human tendency that we often reason when we are alone. We ponder. We debate and we try to find answers to those innumerable questions, which are hidden in the core of our hearts. Some, like to run away from them and find that ignorance is actually bliss. Anyhow, our dear friend...sorry, we forgot to give him a name but anyhow how is that important? He could be anyone from anywhere doing anything. Yes, so our dear friend also had to undergo this painful exercise. He christened this as ‘path to destruction.’ Why? Reason, at the end of this non-senscial debate, the end product was that he realised the ‘unsucessfullness’ of debating it. He never emerged with a perfect plan and even if he did he never implemented it. But the regularity of these self-discussions were as regular as the power cuts of Delhi and both were able to bring out one thing - sweat.
His friend circle was not a big one. Hold on. That nowhere means he was socially unacceptable. Just that those he called ‘friends’ were just acquaintances. Check his orkut. I believe there are only three people added there as friends or perhaps four. Call it his bad luck all were in different cities. So, more or less, they were numbers on his mobile phone, which once or sometime twice in a week realised that they need to buzz.
The conversation was mostly about -
1. How they doing?
2. Why life sucks?
3. How are their respective girlfriends?
4. Why he don’t want to have one?
5. About his heart breaks?
6. And, about job.
So overall, everything was discussed, which perhaps fall in the gambit of word ‘friendship.’
Back to his room. The electricity had just announced it arrival. It was the tube light first, which tried to out beat others but it was the fan who announced it with a creaking sound. He switched on the television. There was a rain song being aired. The actresses wet saree was clinging to her skin. But this was the nth time the same song was being played. He had no clues what they were singing but he knew their next step. He looked at his phone, it was sleeping. The first rays of sun were trying to beat the streetligths. It was time to sleep. Just that he do not want to rise up. Not again. Never. But as his eyes closed he knew, the silent phone will turn into an alarm in another 5 hours and then once gain the monotonous routine will start. The fight is not for survival and there is no ending to it....
P.S - Trishanku is a mythical charachter. Please follow this link for more info - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trishanku . Also, this is the first part which, I intend to conclude in another two but there is no timeline.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
The journey....
Like all nights I didn't sleep yesterday as well. I have no reason to stay awake. Still, I can't help myself. I think this has now became a habit and to blame anyone for this would be a mistake. Anyhow, today I am in no mood to blame anyone.
Summers are here. I don't hate summers. The city becomes interesting in this month. I am sure Delhi doesn't hate summers. Why? I don't have any justification for this. I have stopped reasoning. I think I am done with that. My sleepless nights are now more boring. Reasoning was my only companion. Now I've deserted her. But somehow Delhi still lingers all around me, in the bookshelf, in some old torn pages, in the glow of the cigarette burning on my lips, and in the smoke that vanishes nowhere in the room....
But, I know I have to live with all this. Just like I've now started to learn - How not to panic when electricity is not there. So, I ignore her presence. I don't want her sympathy. But I still have to write the last post. And, I have to visit Red Fort for that. I plan to do it soon. Once I'm done with Red Fort, I'll close the Delhi Chapter once and for all.
Another interesting thing is happening to my phone, it has started receiving calls from some new numbers. For me they are still numbers and I'm sure my phone doesn't like to ring at night. Whenever it rings, it disturbs the three of us....Me, my loneliness and Delhi. So, after playing as a good samaritan for few days, I've stopped taking those calls. Call it my 'unsucessfullness', coz I don't think I can justify any role now.
Lot has been happening this week. N is going to get married. This makes me really feel old. Even before my b'day. I mean the life till now seems like a movie. Anyhow, as usual poor N was confused...we had this chat on G-talk, which I'll post below.....But for sure one thing becomes crystal clear......I'm still waiting for the morning. And some mornings only come after a period of mourning. And for Delhi, well.....
There is now in this town a famine of the grief of love, Asad
We've agreed that we would remain in Delhi-- what will we eat?
Ghalib
Here is my conversation with one of my best friends, who is going to get married...I guess, the diellma is there from centuries...
D: hi yaar
how are you
so good to cu online
N: i wished u were online
i want to talk to u abt something very serious
r u freee
D: yes
wht hpnd?
N: it will take 15 min
D: bol na
fuck the time
if its serious bol
N: i am abt to get married
D: lol
thts kewl
N: i have seen the girl this sun
D: yeah baby
how she looks?
N: now the thing is tht she is ok
but i dont know if i should marry that girl or not
i am confussed
D: see boss...two things
a. look if she matches your mindset
I mean whts the use if u marry a beauty and then she creates hassles
so...first and foremost check that
b. I mean if you don't like her then don't marry her.....i mean whts the use of rueing it later
N: thts the point now the girl is frank
although she is not a perfect match since requirements in army a little different from civil as
D: I understand....frank bole toh?
Kaku jaise
in frankness
where is she from?
and what she has done?
N: in army she has to be very outspoken and she has to be infront of crowd every day dealing with mens wives
she is from gonda
D: every girl manages that
she will acuustom
so don't look for the just perfect thing
N: she has done ba and she is doing ma(english)
D: she shld knw how to speak english thats it
don't go for very frank girl
nahi to kal ko woh tera officers ke biwi ke ssath patte khelti rahegi
N: i know tht but the thing is i cannot say anything as my mom and dad are so happy with the family of the girl tht they have blindly given there consent
D: but all of a sudden....I'm surprised
wtf
is this ur marriage or ur parents?
N: no no thts not wht i meant by frankness
mine but the point is tht they have almost said yes even before me
D: so?
N: now the thing is i have said yes
a go ahead for the marriage and ur the first person to know this
D: why u said Yes?
and u can always tell them its not that
I mean its ur life
N: i had no option and the thing is i had no reason to say no
strong reason
D: u can always say u don't like her
i mean isn't this a strong enuf reason?
N: the thing is tht mom and dad told me tht they are happy with the girl
D: and on top of that u can later tell ur bhabi or bjhaiyya to convey this to ur parents
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?
fuck this is ur life dude
i mean yeah they are v. imp
but still
N: the whole thing is very complicated
i will explain this in simple terms
my bhabhi has a cousin sister and she wants me to marry her with which my parents will never agree
D: ok
but still there are not only two girls in this world
i mean u can still tell ur parents to wait
N: its only my elder brother who understands the whole thing
D: and what he says?
Go for it?
like he did?
wtf
N: now he cannot say anyhing to dad and mom becoz they would think he is lobbying for the girl habhi wants me to marry
D: ok
so.....let them be out of picture
U stand for urself
tell Suraj
he can say at leats
I mean no use of gettin married to sm 1 u don't find attractive at all
ok.....do u find her attractive?
N: now if i stand for myself the whole thing is like a script which has been written just for me
D: fuck them yaar
u tell me...u find her attractive?
YEs or NO
N: she is ok i will send a snap of hers to u and asshole keep it for urself only
D: boss
see
N: she is not the most beutiful girl but she is ok
D: U like her
i mean u comfortable with the idea of spending ur life with her?
Did u had a converstaion with her?
u have a phone wid u?
can I call u?
N: the thing is i m just not sure look she is the first girl
D: then wait na
dekh boss
tell ur parents frankly
or ask suraj to tell
was he there?
N: i have met i have seen her photo but i dont know if i could find another girl or not
D: what
dude
listen
This is India
and ur an army officer
any girl would happily marry to you
aise toh I shld nt even think of getting married ever
N: i have said yes tht i am going to marry tht girl becoz i felt i was not having any other option
D: FUCK YOU
now listen..would u like me to call ur parents
and expalin them
or can Suraj do that better
N: no not at all
suraj has lost it on this
i will tell u suraj is getting hopeless day by day
D: then tell ur parents wht u feel
at least tell ur mom
I'll still say - IF YOU DON'T FIND HER ATTRACTIVE DON'T GO FOR IT
ur just 24.....people marry till 27-30
N: and u dont know wht to say
D: what?
abe sun
load mat le
abhi kaun sa tune shaadi kar hi li
N: r u there
D: yes
I am
haan
tommorow i am going to allahabad
D: I'll call u tonite
arrey maine to pucha hi nahi
Bhahbi ka naam kya hai?
whats her name?
salle.....coz u I feel old :-(
N: priyanka\
D: kya baat hai
Priyannkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaa
chal take care
Will call you..
Summers are here. I don't hate summers. The city becomes interesting in this month. I am sure Delhi doesn't hate summers. Why? I don't have any justification for this. I have stopped reasoning. I think I am done with that. My sleepless nights are now more boring. Reasoning was my only companion. Now I've deserted her. But somehow Delhi still lingers all around me, in the bookshelf, in some old torn pages, in the glow of the cigarette burning on my lips, and in the smoke that vanishes nowhere in the room....
But, I know I have to live with all this. Just like I've now started to learn - How not to panic when electricity is not there. So, I ignore her presence. I don't want her sympathy. But I still have to write the last post. And, I have to visit Red Fort for that. I plan to do it soon. Once I'm done with Red Fort, I'll close the Delhi Chapter once and for all.
Another interesting thing is happening to my phone, it has started receiving calls from some new numbers. For me they are still numbers and I'm sure my phone doesn't like to ring at night. Whenever it rings, it disturbs the three of us....Me, my loneliness and Delhi. So, after playing as a good samaritan for few days, I've stopped taking those calls. Call it my 'unsucessfullness', coz I don't think I can justify any role now.
Lot has been happening this week. N is going to get married. This makes me really feel old. Even before my b'day. I mean the life till now seems like a movie. Anyhow, as usual poor N was confused...we had this chat on G-talk, which I'll post below.....But for sure one thing becomes crystal clear......I'm still waiting for the morning. And some mornings only come after a period of mourning. And for Delhi, well.....
There is now in this town a famine of the grief of love, Asad
We've agreed that we would remain in Delhi-- what will we eat?
Ghalib
Here is my conversation with one of my best friends, who is going to get married...I guess, the diellma is there from centuries...
D: hi yaar
how are you
so good to cu online
N: i wished u were online
i want to talk to u abt something very serious
r u freee
D: yes
wht hpnd?
N: it will take 15 min
D: bol na
fuck the time
if its serious bol
N: i am abt to get married
D: lol
thts kewl
N: i have seen the girl this sun
D: yeah baby
how she looks?
N: now the thing is tht she is ok
but i dont know if i should marry that girl or not
i am confussed
D: see boss...two things
a. look if she matches your mindset
I mean whts the use if u marry a beauty and then she creates hassles
so...first and foremost check that
b. I mean if you don't like her then don't marry her.....i mean whts the use of rueing it later
N: thts the point now the girl is frank
although she is not a perfect match since requirements in army a little different from civil as
D: I understand....frank bole toh?
Kaku jaise
in frankness
where is she from?
and what she has done?
N: in army she has to be very outspoken and she has to be infront of crowd every day dealing with mens wives
she is from gonda
D: every girl manages that
she will acuustom
so don't look for the just perfect thing
N: she has done ba and she is doing ma(english)
D: she shld knw how to speak english thats it
don't go for very frank girl
nahi to kal ko woh tera officers ke biwi ke ssath patte khelti rahegi
N: i know tht but the thing is i cannot say anything as my mom and dad are so happy with the family of the girl tht they have blindly given there consent
D: but all of a sudden....I'm surprised
wtf
is this ur marriage or ur parents?
N: no no thts not wht i meant by frankness
mine but the point is tht they have almost said yes even before me
D: so?
N: now the thing is i have said yes
a go ahead for the marriage and ur the first person to know this
D: why u said Yes?
and u can always tell them its not that
I mean its ur life
N: i had no option and the thing is i had no reason to say no
strong reason
D: u can always say u don't like her
i mean isn't this a strong enuf reason?
N: the thing is tht mom and dad told me tht they are happy with the girl
D: and on top of that u can later tell ur bhabi or bjhaiyya to convey this to ur parents
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?
fuck this is ur life dude
i mean yeah they are v. imp
but still
N: the whole thing is very complicated
i will explain this in simple terms
my bhabhi has a cousin sister and she wants me to marry her with which my parents will never agree
D: ok
but still there are not only two girls in this world
i mean u can still tell ur parents to wait
N: its only my elder brother who understands the whole thing
D: and what he says?
Go for it?
like he did?
wtf
N: now he cannot say anyhing to dad and mom becoz they would think he is lobbying for the girl habhi wants me to marry
D: ok
so.....let them be out of picture
U stand for urself
tell Suraj
he can say at leats
I mean no use of gettin married to sm 1 u don't find attractive at all
ok.....do u find her attractive?
N: now if i stand for myself the whole thing is like a script which has been written just for me
D: fuck them yaar
u tell me...u find her attractive?
YEs or NO
N: she is ok i will send a snap of hers to u and asshole keep it for urself only
D: boss
see
N: she is not the most beutiful girl but she is ok
D: U like her
i mean u comfortable with the idea of spending ur life with her?
Did u had a converstaion with her?
u have a phone wid u?
can I call u?
N: the thing is i m just not sure look she is the first girl
D: then wait na
dekh boss
tell ur parents frankly
or ask suraj to tell
was he there?
N: i have met i have seen her photo but i dont know if i could find another girl or not
D: what
dude
listen
This is India
and ur an army officer
any girl would happily marry to you
aise toh I shld nt even think of getting married ever
N: i have said yes tht i am going to marry tht girl becoz i felt i was not having any other option
D: FUCK YOU
now listen..would u like me to call ur parents
and expalin them
or can Suraj do that better
N: no not at all
suraj has lost it on this
i will tell u suraj is getting hopeless day by day
D: then tell ur parents wht u feel
at least tell ur mom
I'll still say - IF YOU DON'T FIND HER ATTRACTIVE DON'T GO FOR IT
ur just 24.....people marry till 27-30
N: and u dont know wht to say
D: what?
abe sun
load mat le
abhi kaun sa tune shaadi kar hi li
N: r u there
D: yes
I am
haan
tommorow i am going to allahabad
D: I'll call u tonite
arrey maine to pucha hi nahi
Bhahbi ka naam kya hai?
whats her name?
salle.....coz u I feel old :-(
N: priyanka\
D: kya baat hai
Priyannkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaa
chal take care
Will call you..
Thursday, April 05, 2007
B'day
I have nothing to write. There are a lot of issues. Not with me but with others. I have stopped thinking about others and so the issues.
Come April and I get scared every year. I don't like to think about this month anymore. In fact a few years (or should I say centuries) ago I was all pepped up, when April started. Reason - I was born in this month, some…..come on…I don't want to do all that maths.
Anyhow, now that I've stopped thinking on those lines, let me give you a brief that how the first two weeks of April use to pass and what's the state now. But before I continue, let me tell you that I've never celebrated my b'day in school. Somehow it was always a holiday.
There are some memories of how my classmates use to celebrate their birthdays in school that I rue being not able to do -
1. The b'day boy/girl can wear fancy clothes other than the school dress. That was how we use to recognize the b'day boy or girl. I never had this chance.
2. The b'day boy/girl use to distribute toffees and the rich ones distributed chocolates. They made sure that their best friend gets two. This was essential so as to proclaim your best friend and clear any doubts. I never had a best friend till college so I always got one.
3. Most essential the class teacher gets to choose, how many she can take. For rest it was one. But I remember my friends had their favourite teachers so they also get a larger share. My favourite teacher thought I was the dumbest student.
Anyhow, this was about school. Now lets see, how my anticipation levels were -
Some 20 years ago -
I was very excited. I use to tell my parents in advance what I want. I know we were not rich, so my demands were very justified. But I never understood the concept of getting new clothes. Anyhow in the first week, my dad made sure that we go to the tailor and get me stitched a new shirt and pant. After effects - I still prefer wearing stitched shirts.
The first half of second week was all about inviting friends. Making a list whom to invite and who not to. One always makes sure to invite those people who are closest to your parents as you know they'll bring the best gifts. Dad comes come with the stitched clothes. Try them on and send them back if for any altercations.
The D-day: Mom use to wake up early. Prepare delicacies. Dad orders the cake. Everyone at home as it is a holiday. Relatives who live nearby come till afternoon. After mom insisting for the nth time, finally taking a bath.
In those times there were no CD players, so dad putting up H'bdy song cassette in the tape recorder. Finally other children arrive. More interested in the sizes of the packets they bring than what they wearing.
Unwrapping the gift with parents. Parents making a mental note of what one brought so as to replicate. NO RETURN GIFTS as we were poor.
A decade ago -
No more parties. Sister giving you the B'day card, first thing in the morning, which is also signed by parents. You hoping that the girl you had a crush and to whom you've left enough indications calls you and wishes you. Wait till afternoon. Only relatives call, that too a few. No friends remember. In the evening, you've a better dinner than usual days.
Some 5 years ago -
You away from parents in a distant city. Only two of your friends know that its ur B'day. Mom, dad and sis calls and wishes you. The girl you want most to remember completely forgets only to give you a pleasant surprise in afternoon. Unfortunately, this is when your two friends realise that today is your birthday. You bring some beers at night and of course dope. Stoned.
Now -
You don't want anyone to remember and you want some to remember. Your parents and your sister will call you. Of course your two friends will. You will be in office working. And least expecting surprises. At this old age…you don't want any more surprises.
Whatever.... I'll be lying if I say I'm not anticipating things to happen. Honestly, I don't want to anticipate. But like always I'm unsuccessful and the day will remind me more of that………
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