Away...

This is what I felt, when for two days I was in Bangalore.......

I was in a different city. I know you didn’t miss me. I was looking for you even there in that strange crowd. I looked for you from over the skies. I looked for you in that pool. I dreamt about you all night. But I never found you, not even in my dreams. You were faceless. It appears everything is diminishing – the moistness that I always felt in your lips, the look of your eyes that expressed anger, and everything that I always followed for understanding what you never said but the most I miss is your smell. I feel lost, like a child in a fair, where there are so many attractions but my eyes search for you. I never find you and then I become disheartened. I don’t weep because I always knew this was to be so.

I came back. I searched for your signs everywhere. I went back to those places where I think I left you. Those moments are there. I close my eyes and relive them only to realise that they are gone. I have lost them or they were never mine. But I know I lived in those moments. I was disturbed last night, I felt like screaming your name, I was angry. Then I searched for a memento. I know I have lost them all, returned them or you never gave me one but still I searched. I know if I ever loved you, I’ll find one, somewhere, somehow. I found your hair in the jacket that I wore in winters. I know they were yours, don’t ask me how. I smelled them and then kept it back. I did not feel bad. I know they will not stand time, like me, like everything here and I always knew this was to be so.

Even in words I tried to find you. Ask all those books which I have read, they know it. They will vouch for me. The paper on which I wrote this will also swear by it and so will the pen. It seems everyone at my home knows you. The fan, the bed, the table and every night they ask me – Have you met her today? I don’t answer them. I keep quiet. They understand my silence and it appears they are sad. But I cheer them up; tell them stories of people I have met. The long list of work I have to do. I plan with them about it. They know I’m faking and so do I but we never question each other. We all knew this was to be so.

I know you are here with me, while I am writing this. In fact, I can see you in the water bottle in front of me. Strange but Yes I can. There is some water left in it. It’s been days and also it hasn’t rained. I reason it out not to drink. There is a paper, which boasts that it has your smell. I have preserved it. How long? I don’t know. Oh Delhi….I miss you. I want to be with you but I know this will never happen and the tag of being ‘unsuccessful’ reminds me that this was always to be so.