The Conversation...

There comes a time in life when the thought of questioning your existence, starts to trouble your conscience. 

While most people are smart enough to drown such soul searching and often inconsequential thoughts in the daily hum drum of their lives. Some who delve deeper often find themselves to be bitterer towards life although they spare no efforts to maximize the pleasure of their materialistic living. There, however, are a rare few who find a path, much agreeable to their conscience.

Life so far had been equivocally generous and unreasonable for him. He could see a reaffirmation of this fact in the eyes of others around him. A small family, a decent job and all that from almost penury, is what those eyes will speak if ever asked about him.

But what they didn’t see was the sense of a loss, somewhat shame and an unknown fear that was all buried inside him. On the surface, with the exception of a few irritants, everything looked good. His wife was optimistic, or rather more adamant on how things will be. She had plans, or she was making them.

“We will open a shop for him, or better we will buy some shops and rent them out,” she said during one of those rare conversations about their children without getting into an argument. He simply nodded, knowing well that if she has made her mind perhaps there is no way to change it.

Just like, after the first time, when he brought up the topic of her dalliances with other men and she dismissed him off telling him not to impose his insecurities on her.

“I don’t know what to do with that girl, she is too stubborn…” – she looked at him expecting to say something other than just nod.

“She will be fine…,” he said it slowly fully aware that any more observation will pull him into this conversation, which he wanted to avoid.

But an easy way out was not an option. “Only if you were a little more responsible we would have been better off…,” she berated as usual.

This was the very moment, when usually, he uses to lose his cool and get into an argument which mostly ended with her blaming him for all the troubles in her life. But today, that question, the one where conscience starts to get troubled, knocked.

“Why did you do that?”- he looked into her eyes as if penetrating her soul. She too felt a light shiver, for the first time, as if this was not him, the one who gets easily riled up.

“Do what?” she asked fully knowing what he was asking.

“Were they different or it was the same?” he persisted.

She could have avoided this conversation fully knowing that nothing will change between them for they were both invested, and also despite everything he was her sense of existence. Maybe in a sad, bitter way, even perhaps a constant reminder of her stupidity as a young naïve girl who thought love will overcome all challenges.

“They were different and yet the same,” she finally blurted out steeling herself for the worst. She did not had those dalliances because she wanted to hurt him rather they were more of a revenge that she took from herself. For being so naïve, getting married that early, then having children, as if this destroyed the woman in her.

“Was it satisfying? Like no sense of shame…” he continued wanting to delve deeper.

She pitied him for he may not be able to comprehend those feelings, ever. He was still stuck on the physicality of it but for her that was just like scratching the surface. The thrill of being caught, the gifts, or that momentary sensual gratification was just the exterior. Nothing but a facade.

“You know what I liked the most about it?” – she wanted him to try.

“Knowing that you can toy with them or perhaps all the attention…”- he tried his best.

“No, maybe you are somewhat right about that power trip but that was not the high point,” – she said it philosophically as if almost talking to herself.

They both looked at each other.

“So what was it then?” – he felt anguished as if it would have given him some sort of satisfaction if she blamed him for it.

“I liked the freedom…”

In that moment, it appeared to him, that perhaps she has found her answer to that question about existence while he was somewhere in between – bitter and still searching.

  

Sea Legs...

It wasn’t exactly abandonment. Not that it was new to him, or came as a shock – being abandoned. His ex-wife had already made him pay for that experience. Still when his own cat, with whom he thought he had finally developed a bond, blissfully snubbed him, he couldn’t help but rue his fate more.

Like all pet owners, though this has been a subject of debate when it comes to cats as to who is in the driver’s seat, he had given her a name, which after much cajoling and food tricks, she had kind of agreed on so as to save her from any more stupid games and let this relationship work smoothly.

Now much to his dismay, she had even stopped reacting to him when he called out her name. Not even the slight turn of the head, or swaying the tail. It was complete abandonment, as if he didn’t even exist.

“Is it justified if I tie my fate with you?” she asked in her normal straight tone betraying any emotions. “We had our time, mostly good if I must say, will it not be selfish if you try hold on to me. Emotional Blackmail?” as a little bit of disdain crept in her voice.

“And I was a one hundred percent in our relationship,” she said that a bit more loudly to dispel any doubts she had in her mind. 

“In fact you should be thanking me for all the memories and let it be that way. But what you are doing is instead trying to tie me with the past. I would say that’s not only selfish but cruel,” she emphasised on the last word to drill it down in his thought process.

That and her eyes when she said so set him thinking. Life in a wheel chair is tough. It becomes tougher when hope beckons you that someday you will stand. Undoubtedly she had been beyond reasonable with him in such tiring times, and the argument she presented was neat and to a certain extent flawless.

“I know I’m clinging. But if I let it go will that make you happy?” he barely managed to utter in his defeatist tone. He was in love with her. And if he really was perhaps it is not justified to cripple her as well, he thought to himself. For the moment his both legs and mind were equally numb.    

“It is not about me. Do you like me tied down? Let’s assume I am willing to be the martyr, will that make you happy?” she sighed. Just the look on her face when she uttered those words made him fall in love with her again.

He tried hard to recall if there is supposed to be some documentary evidence that pet therapy helps in faster recovery. Besides it should have been the onus of a four legged creature to help a two legged one, that too when both his legs had also stopped responding.

But he too knew the realities. He just had not come to terms with it all. Like his body, his mind was struggling too.

“Look, believe me it is for your best,” she said in a more calm and determined voice. “Hopes are easily betrayed, right now am steeling you for the worst,” like the doctors say it, matter of fact, sprinkled with a ‘but still’ – where hope hides.

“What about you?” he muttered.

“If that gives you any solace it is already tough hearing your voice and ignoring it,” for the first time a bit of sadness crept in her voice.

“I will, however, survive, its best I move on early, we are wired that way,” she regained her composure, looking at him smiling.

“Did you ever feel that I was not into us, ever?” her eyes squinted.

“Well…did I give that feeling?” he looked right back at her not knowing why they discussing this now.

“You have been stupid and me as usual forgiving,” she slightly laughed.

“I wish things could have been different. For a while it felt like this was to go forever,” he said this thinking over all the sweet nothings they had discussed and laughed about.

“Again! It is for forever, in our minds and in our hearts,” as she came closer but not too close to betray any feelings. “Believe me, you will never forget me, nor I,” she faintly smiled.

“Do I get a hug, or a rub?” he looked at her knowing she is right and that it is best he locks her away, only in his memories.

“You know, I am shy…,” she blinked her eyes.

"I'll find my sea legs soon and come to you," the romantic fool that he was.

"I know. We will meet at the horizon..." and they left it at that.

  

Drona - A teacher who failed!

Dronacharya by all means is the dream guru of all those who believe that ancient India was a marvel of science and technology. After all the great sage was born but not in a womb, perhaps the first nuclear scientist and of course an archer beyond comparisons. 

All these great virtues and deeds of his completely overshadow the fact that he was revengeful, casteist, partial, sycophant and if one can stretch the argument a little further, a murderer as well.

I am sure that in the present times the story of his birth will attract more jeers from the evolved residents of the erstwhile Gurgaon rather than being amazed at what advanced stage of biotechnology India was practicing in that era. 

If one has to impartially analyze the character Drona from Mahabharata without falling into the trap of being national or anti-national, it could be easily said that Drona was a teacher who failed. And this is not because he chose to be on the losing side of the Great War. If the old texts are to believed he chose to be with Kauravas fully knowing what it may lead to.

Drona’s trappings lie in the fact that he did not even had the basic quality to be a teacher. He was partial and believed that it is the end that matters and not the means.This character of his is well sketched out in what he did to Eklavya, son of a tribal chief and finally to Abhimanyu, the son of his favorite pupil, Arjun.

Perhaps the way he was killed was a perfect ending to his saga. He was killed by deceit and that is why Mahabharata is known to be the most well-balanced epic of all times. 

The incumbent government conveniently chose to ignore these facts while renaming the city.  I am sure that they will definitely think twice to change the name of any city in Uttar Pradesh based on these lines given that elections are due soon.  Meanwhile Mr. Khattar will do some service to both himself and Haryana if only he can also take a cue from Mahabharata...