Middle-Earth

Alcohol and memories are definitely not a good combination. It isn't a revelation for me. I always knew it and so avoid mixing both. But last weekend I was helpless. N was back after a long time and Z also dropped. Personally I've a very strong feeling that was the last get-together for the three of us. I don't know why but this was a sort of culmination of our 05 year-old friendship.

Let me give reasons, N, an army officer is on his way to his post in Arunachal. In the past 05 years, he hasn't changed a bit. He is still a scrooge, continues to insist on explaining everything, and still believes that girls are only good in bed. But, army has instilled some pride in him and like any other olive-green bearer, his conversations somehow unknowingly make me feel a 'bloody civilian.'

Z, is all set to join the Ambani group coming summers. He also hasn't changed a bit. Still remains jolly, much of an squanderer like me and thinks girls are made to love and forget. But being in a business school has made him talk big. Sensex has taken precedence over sex. And Bulls and bears over bollywood. So his conversations somehow unknowingly make me visualize my future - We both in his villa, sitting at his bar. He pouring me a premium scotch, vintage 1700 and smoking a Havana. And me, with my lean figure, with a half-burnt cigarette between my fingers, sitting on the bar stool and listening to his business adventures.

So I believe that yes it was the culmination of our friendship in some way. The best part was that we all knew it and just avoided it. Anyhow, I was fighting with these thoughts when Z raised the topic that I fear the most. Discussing love lives. I can talk on history for hours, discuss politics as if I am the next PM and can be a good listener on the stuff that I don't know. But Love life….except unsuccessfulness I've nothing to add. And when you're drunk you remember those who left you or vice-versa.

Anyhow N's insistence on the curves and sizes and the debate fuelled by Z over describing girls each state wise, gave me time to be in my own world. I don't know but then I remembered a quote and laughed. That thought made me pick up the phone and call. In the morning, when all were dead drunk and snoring and I had somehow helped myself without vomiting, I rued that call. I don't know why.

There are so many why's - why people are living, why we try to make a career, why we study hard, why we get involved in office politics, why we make friends, why we love and why we lose it all.

I don't have an answer for any of those why. But I still remember so many people, starting from that sparrow - my first pet, that lame girl in school whom I then thought I should love coz no one did, my cat, that old guy whom I bought a quilt and similarly so many people who did some stuff for me when I never expected. WHY?

So in that chilly morning, I came out in the open. Asking the fog to engulf me and somehow that quote flashed in my mind once again, I smiled to myself, came back inside, hugged both of them hard and then closed my eyes. May be that is what my destiny is. For, Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost. And, I know that I'm not lost, I'm just unsuccessful.

Ana 'l haqq

I'm actually very tired. For the first time in so many days, I'm really feeling tired. This gives me some happiness and also makes me question myself. Of course, I'm not tiring. For I cannot spare time even to tire. I feel like an athlete competing in a relay race. I know the line is much far and I've to cross it. As of now I even don't know what line is that and what will happen once I cross it. For I cannot be successful and that is my fate!

Somebody told me, I have become closed. I laugh upon that thought. Closed? Huh…of what. All my experiences have helped me deriving one thing – We all lie to our self. Why we do that? We want to make us feel happy but the real tragedy is that a lie always remains a lie and when it crashes against the walls of reality, we feel sorry. I want to be in such a state where all these things do not matter. Time and again I falter but instead of ruing and clinging, I prefer them to be remembered as checks and balances. But the only worry is, I don't want to be there, thinking about them. Last winter I was in a similar state and this makes me laugh. There is something wrong with winters. The fog of unsuccessfulness is dense and I'm lost.

I look at people around and feel depressed. They all seem worthless. All of them! They are so engaged in their petty things. My dislike for them is growing by leaps and bounds. I think I'm a joker among those, trying to be friendly, nice, and in some cases much to my disliking thinking about them. I don't want to do any of these. Besides my family, there are only some people (in spite of thinking hard, I cannot raise the count above 4) whom I really want. But do they deserve to be with me? I'm getting unsure about it each coming day. Somehow now I want them to falter so I have a reason to say – You don't deserve it and move out. Unsuccessful with this also, they act well and so do I. Why we fake things? May be to stay happy and if this is happiness, I don't want it. I prefer to stay unsuccessful.

J gifted me 'The Last Mughal,' after a long-long time I got a present. Made me real happy but then I tried to do a post-mortem. I hate to accept that. Anyhow, the book is engrossing, makes me feel as if Delhi is calling, should be thankful to J. He gave me what I never expected from him – a smile, a genuine smile. I think I should also gift people. Even if they do post-mortem, how does it affect me, for I have nothing to lose and their smiles they would certainly be precious.

Last but not the least, I want to be a sufi now. This is what I think I'll end up as, longing for love and belongingness, which i'll never find in this fake world. But I have some obligations and I'm sure once I'm through with these obligations – I'll be a Sufi and this is a promise and I try my best to keep up with the promises I make....

Awakened by your love,
I flicker like a candle's light
tryin to hold on in the dark.
Yet, you spare me no blows
and keep asking,
"Why do you complain?"

- By RUMI

P.S - ana 'l haqq means, I am the Truth.

If I was not to be a Cartoon!

Loyal but incredibly unsuccessful, D has to defend his unsuccessfullness. This threat itself arises from his unsuccessfullness and threatens his existence. D is doomed to spend his life on pins and needles, terrified and suspicious of anything that is ordinary. When success rears it's hideous head, D exhibits enough fearless ingenuity only to be unsuccessful.

Spirits...

In spite of my sincere attempts, I have never been able to develop a liking for alcohol. Why? I don't have reasons. Somehow my pale figure and the yellow, brown or colourless liquid do not gel. Now, if I have it in less amount, I feel disgruntled that I have spend money but still not got the full value out of it and if I overdo, then I regret, why I did so. Hence, whenever someone calls me to his place with alcohol as bait, I generally give any reason that comes to mind so as to avoid this socialising or entertainment. Let me clarify, that I have nothing against those who have a good relationship with the daughter of the grapes, irrespective of, whether they like their drink to get over in some light years or those who finish it in a wink, as if someone was to steal it. Ok,by the way, why I am writing this?


Well, Z called me up as expected. Since it was more than a week that we were avoiding calling each other, this was very much on the cards. Another common factor was N. I'll speak about him a bit later. So Z, as he always does after such incidents, asked me to come over to his place for the 'season of Rum' has started. Of course! Why not was my first reaction. But soon realisation bottled my spirits. So, unlike some past years Z and Me were not able to celebrate the onset of 'season of Rum.' He tried to cheer me up and I responded with hollow, verbose and philosophical statements. Interestingly, I've noticed this that if one of us go philosophical the other tries to sound materialistic. May be one of these days, I'll ask him to ponder upon this and then like all times we will say - "Yeh baat, aaj ham pehli baar kar rahein hai na."(We are talking about this stuff for the first time). Though, we both know that somewhere we must have talked about it nth no. of times.



Since Z is back with A, so most of the times his phone is busy. Also he told me that he is speaking on the same phone that he had once broken in anger. It again made me think, whether it's as easy to repair a relationship, like repairing a mobile and if so then I disdain the idea. Not to forget, the scar always remains and no amount of repairing can do justice to it.

Coming back to N. Well this was what that basically made Z ring me up. N is going to Arunachal, insurgency area. We're discussing about it, it has been long since we three have met, who knows how many such chances we will get. I'm sure none of us thinks about it but the desire is there. Anyhow, we discussed N, not discussing in fact debating - is N's misery better or we squanderers score a brownie. Also, Z then told that how he could not control his tears after getting that professional break. I wondered have I ever cried coz stuff like this? No, I guess. May be even I deserve to weep, of course for good reasons. It has been ages, may be the last time was when my grandpa died, some six years ago.


So I asked Z, "Will you cry, if N dies in an insurgency operation?" He said, "I don't know that but one thing I'm sure, I'll be the proudest friend that day." Bang! Z you won my heart, once again.

So that was one of the longest call that I attended in the past few weeks. I like it. My mobile silence narrates a thousand tales. Hey! Does each mobile has a tale of it's own? How interesting it would be read a book, which is written by mobiles. Describing their owners joys, happiness, plight…..nah may be I'm watching too much of cartoons. But I hate to tell that I classify cartoons as unsuccessful….why? Because we leave them as we grow up but you know what, they are there, the same, waiting for us, with their tales…. though unsuccessfully.



P.S - I have left enough indications to Z & N that I'm dying to get Dalrymple's latest book, lets see who takes the clue. Also check out my favourite cartoon of this week, Mr. SpongeBob.