Ana 'l haqq

I'm actually very tired. For the first time in so many days, I'm really feeling tired. This gives me some happiness and also makes me question myself. Of course, I'm not tiring. For I cannot spare time even to tire. I feel like an athlete competing in a relay race. I know the line is much far and I've to cross it. As of now I even don't know what line is that and what will happen once I cross it. For I cannot be successful and that is my fate!

Somebody told me, I have become closed. I laugh upon that thought. Closed? Huh…of what. All my experiences have helped me deriving one thing – We all lie to our self. Why we do that? We want to make us feel happy but the real tragedy is that a lie always remains a lie and when it crashes against the walls of reality, we feel sorry. I want to be in such a state where all these things do not matter. Time and again I falter but instead of ruing and clinging, I prefer them to be remembered as checks and balances. But the only worry is, I don't want to be there, thinking about them. Last winter I was in a similar state and this makes me laugh. There is something wrong with winters. The fog of unsuccessfulness is dense and I'm lost.

I look at people around and feel depressed. They all seem worthless. All of them! They are so engaged in their petty things. My dislike for them is growing by leaps and bounds. I think I'm a joker among those, trying to be friendly, nice, and in some cases much to my disliking thinking about them. I don't want to do any of these. Besides my family, there are only some people (in spite of thinking hard, I cannot raise the count above 4) whom I really want. But do they deserve to be with me? I'm getting unsure about it each coming day. Somehow now I want them to falter so I have a reason to say – You don't deserve it and move out. Unsuccessful with this also, they act well and so do I. Why we fake things? May be to stay happy and if this is happiness, I don't want it. I prefer to stay unsuccessful.

J gifted me 'The Last Mughal,' after a long-long time I got a present. Made me real happy but then I tried to do a post-mortem. I hate to accept that. Anyhow, the book is engrossing, makes me feel as if Delhi is calling, should be thankful to J. He gave me what I never expected from him – a smile, a genuine smile. I think I should also gift people. Even if they do post-mortem, how does it affect me, for I have nothing to lose and their smiles they would certainly be precious.

Last but not the least, I want to be a sufi now. This is what I think I'll end up as, longing for love and belongingness, which i'll never find in this fake world. But I have some obligations and I'm sure once I'm through with these obligations – I'll be a Sufi and this is a promise and I try my best to keep up with the promises I make....

Awakened by your love,
I flicker like a candle's light
tryin to hold on in the dark.
Yet, you spare me no blows
and keep asking,
"Why do you complain?"

- By RUMI

P.S - ana 'l haqq means, I am the Truth.