Snakes and Ladders

This is the excerpt of the conversation; I had with a colleague of mine. I was trying to boost her morale. I gave her examples, which people give me on and off. After the conversation I just realised one thing, its like playing Snakes and Ladders. I don't know, whether I am at 99 or 0. But one thing I know…I don't have a dice anymore…..

D: Hey met AK from your ofc today
A: oh....k
D: so how are you?
7:51 PM
busy like always
A: no man
is he still in office
D: i met him an hour ago
A: ok ya
7:52 PM
D: can check out if you want me 2
A: hez 1 of my closest pals here
na na
D: yup he is a cool man
A: have 2 speak 2 him anyway
ya
that he is
7:53 PM
D: so wassup? Howz the weather down there?
A: awesome
u tel me
D: I'm plannin to go to drink at my pals place
A: hwz delhi
D: cold and chilly
A: i think i need 2 visit delhi its been a while
thats cool
D: though now the temp is up by a few degrees
7:54 PM
A: yea AK was tellin me
ha!
D: of course you should
A: hmm
D: yeah....then I can take you out for a drink..lol
7:55 PM
A: well, i dont drink
D: oh...then you can go for a coffee in a bar
it's good, I can get drunk and you'll drop me home..lol
7:56 PM
A: ha!
nway hw're things with u hwz work treating u?
D: to be honest....besides Sports I don't have much to do
7:57 PM
like this week I'm doin only one
nehw as I told you...later on I'll like to branch out but keepin my head down and lookin where i can kind of fit in
wht abt u?
7:58 PM
A: do u see my stories?
i mean my bylines?
D: honestly....only smtimes
A: ya so u can fig it out
honestly
7:59 PM
D: cheer up boss...
I'm sure you'll get cracking soon
8:00 PM
A: what makes u think that
its all crap!!!
D: see...I don't say this to every1...I don't care
But I've seen your work
from both sides...I mean real work and the manipulation part
8:01 PM
I'm sure that what makes a good journo.....so bid for your time
also....I knw 1 thing when it comes to survival even an ant gives i's best shot
AND this is not global gyaan
:-)
8:02 PM
A: i'm sure it isnt
but i surely have my doubts now
8:03 PM
D: its good, in fact you shld re asses
A: nway lets c
D: yeah
A: huh??
i mean i doubt myself now
i dont know ya
chuck it...
8:04 PM
D: come on....chuck it but with style
A: chuck what?
D: chuck ur doubts
A: all this sounds gr8 but th efact remains either ur the best or u not there
i dont know
D: correct
8:05 PM
I agree to that statement
But this is what my grandpa told me
and I always rem it whenever I'm low
he said
Today what you've done may not come through
8:06 PM
but the next second everything changes, what not clicks right now will click a sec after that
so keep tryin
chal 4gt it
A: thnx 4 the encouragement
D: this iss bgettin heavy
8:07 PM
A: no thats nice of u but i dunno seriously
D: do whatever you've to do....baki dekh lena yaar...maut to nahi aayegi na
bas phir kya darna...bahut kuch hai karne ke liye
A: maut will be bettre i think!!
D: Hey A.....come on ddude
8:08 PM
A: u've caught me in a very bad mood
ya ya chill its all cool
D: you're depressed for no good reason....haven't you faced this kind of stuff ever...may be in school, or college or general life
where you're kind of doomed
trhink
A: so u think i'm doomed??
8:09 PM
D: so?
you're depressed for no good reason....haven't you faced this kind of stuff ever...may be in school, or college or general life
where you're kind of doomed
trhink
and then smtimes ur sucsful and smtime not
tht doesnt mean u'll stop trying
or feel its over
8:10 PM
A: i asked u do u think i'm doomed like bura waqt chal raha hai
D: NO
bura waqt kitne din chalega
saala kabhi to khatam hoga na
phir?
A: abhi chal raha hai kya?
D: I don't think so
8:11 PM
A: ok
D: but mein koi jyotishi nahi houn
this is the same like what I was goin thru a few weeks back
and who knows phir aise hi hoga
but kaam to karna padega na
8:12 PM
A: ya ure right
thanks ya:-)
D: come on
8:13 PM
realx and do whatever you've to
A: but ya only kaam nahi karna
have to do top class kaam
D: matlab?
haan haan woh to hai bhai
A: acha tell me what do u mean by manipulation and othe story
8:14 PM
D: I only mean that smtimes...you've to make a story where there is none
thts manipulation
and smtimes there is a genuine story
8:15 PM
which is waiting for a journo to come and bear her
A: ha!
o do u feel i'm a good manipulator or a good genuine journo?
D: a good journo is 1 who is both
8:16 PM
and i think you can do well with both kind of stuff
8:17 PM
A: dude u made my day
now watch out 4 some real cool stories
D: kewl
8:18 PM
so then give them some punk
and of course HARD ROCK
lol
A: yes sir
now u making the competition harder 4 urself
haha
D: lol
8:19 PM
I don't have any competition
my competition is with myself
I'm the KING
A: thats a gr8 SoM
way to go but my competition is with all
nway gtg
D: ok
8:20 PM
bbye
and have some fun
A: u tv and thanks
yes will have fun

Suicide Note

Believe me. I’ve done nothing wrong. If you would’ve been at my place you would’ve done the same. Call it an error in judgment or my weakness but still I’ll say — I was not wrong, I was simply not wrong. I can still see the events unfolding in front of my eyes. It was another day and yet for centuries to come, I’ll be known for this day only. Sometimes I ask the great lord above that this was why I was born? I look for solace but can’t find it anywhere. Not even in the skies. In the dark when I walk through the streets the dogs do not bark at me, they think I can’t do anymore harm. Nobody questions me but in their eyes I can see the hatred. It swells up like a balloon filled with gas and then it erupts. And when it erupts, streams of tears flow. Now even that have stopped. Their cheeks look like barren lands. And I am the culprit. They say it. I’m the culprit. Their silence screams.

I cannot sleep at night. I hear voices. Shrieks, screams and whispers. People accusing me! For what I ask? For what? And then they become more silent. My head seems to be exploding and I weep. But there are no tears. I curse them, even I hurled stones at them but they stood their ground. Not a single soul moved. And they remained silent, as if testing my patience.

A few months back, everything was all right. I will not say that I was loved. But still there was this false feeling. The air was cool. The sunrise were warm. Those who now hate me felt for me. Or was it a farce? Night after night, I ponder over it, Think where did I went wrong. But as I said that was not my fault. They themselves are responsible for their plight. I cannot eat food anymore. Yesterday, I did not touched the chicken gravy. I used to relish it like anything. But now, it appeared human flesh with red blood. I was aghast. I think they plotted it. They want to kill me. I’ll not die. For I’m not wrong.

Today before writing this I’ve decided to confess. Someone told me that confessing makes your heart lighter. But what should I confess for I have nothing to hide. I set free all my pigeons, they came back. As if they’re also labeled like me. The sky is theirs but the freedom is snatched. In the afternoon, I sat down for my prayers. I cannot hear the muezzin call. Nor the once irritant temple bells gong. They all seem to have gone silent.

I’ll end my life. There is no reason to survive. I’m a loner in this world full of people. This is it. I call it a day. I know no one will weep. They will say, the traitor has died. But tell me, who I have betrayed. One can only betray if their is love, friendship or an agreement to honor. I never had one. I am not a traitor. Don’t believe me, ask Delhi.

— A suicide note by Illah Baksh, known as the traitor of Delhi, 1857 Mutiny.

Delhi- IV

I don't know but I've finally decided to call it a day. Reason, I have no clues. Perhaps somewhere I don't want to do it and in a way I'm forcing myself but I have to. As a loser I don't stand a chance and for what and why? This is extremely boring and this makes me feel sad. I guess I'm slowly dying. But the problem is I've felt so a thousand times before and still I'm very much alive. Perhaps when you ask for it you don't get it and when it comes you try to resist it. How unsuccessful!

Some days ago, I went to Jama Masjid. It was Eid. I don't like to believe in god. But the place reminds me of him. The tall minarets, the vast courtyard and the simplicity within this grandeur. This makes me feel both small and big. I look for Delhi. I yearn for her. But I couldn't find her anymore and her smell is also missing. I become lonely in the crowd. Like a lost kid….

Inside Jama Masjid, there is a small pond, where people wash their feet before saying prayers. I think the process is called ablution. The water washes away your sins before you ask for oneness with god. And before you enter the main hall, there is a beautifully carved marble gate. You have to go beneath it so as to enter the main hall. It is so designed that an adult has to bend while passing through it. Smart attempt I must say. Even in those times the king had to shed his supremacy before entering. The moment the king bends, the supremacy of god is accepted.
The whole idea makes me laugh. I mean we humans make a building which compete with the skies, only to realise we cannot defeat god and then we make sure that we itself say that. Perhaps the same is with Delhi and me. I try to compete with her only to realise that I can't win and then I accept my defeat. If it is to be so then let it be that way. Neither she can take anything away from me nor I can give her anything. But then in all honesty, if this is so then it is true love. And Delhi, she does not believe in love she encourage admirers. She is a candle who attract moths and the fate of moths…..unsuccessfulness?

From Jama Masjid, my newfound friend and me traversed to Chawri bazzar. It is said that this was where the lust of Delhi once lived. Lust of Delhi? I wonder. Delhi does not lust she lures. And whenever Delhi lusted it turned out to be a blunder. There are various examples. Be it before mutiny or after independence, whenever Delhi felt for his ruler, they vanquished and Delhi she was devastated at this loss. Now that she has learnt her lessons, she plays and Oh! She plays it well. Anyhow Chawri Bazzar has changed over centuries. I cannot visualize those lovely ladies standing in the balconies trying to lure passers-by. I tried hard but of no avail. I tried to see Delhi again but she wasn't anywhere. Somewhere I wanted to blame it on my newfound friend but then I realised I have lost it. Chawri Bazzar looked like a market filled of shops and rickshaws. A reality that I hate to see, hear and admit.

This self incised wound refuses to heal up. Delhi is lost and it now lives in the book of history. I don't know but back there in Jama Masjid, a Sikh man who brought her daughter was telling her little one that there is nothing great about here. His daughter may have read about Jama Masjid in some history book and insisted to see the place. Holding the little girl's arm he said, "See it is just a vast open space. There is nothing here to see." Little he saw the fascinated look at his daughter's face. She was fascinated by what I am in love with. And her father, he will not understand it, nor will others.

And then from nowhere, I saw Delhi, at the other end, just below the moon. She was looking mesmerising. I tried to call her but my voice was choked. I turned and looked at the little girls face; she was also looking there, as if trying to memorize this grandeur. A kid and a lover, both lost for one thing. Who's unsuccessful? Me, the kid or Delhi? Whatever be the answer one thing is sure that Delhi continues to live, if not with me then with others…..successfully I wish.