Price-less Joy?

It has been some long since I have written for myself. Sometimes it becomes a bit difficult to analyse, be accurate and try derive a meaning from events around you. When i get haunted by these thoughts, I blurt out with randomness like this…

START ---

Often I have found myself self drawn towards a situation where awkwardness has crept in without or little shame. Certainly this has nothing to do with my inquisitiveness or reclusiveness, both traits which hold a dominant position in my genealogy.

Anyhow all the events which lead to the present circumstances were purposely meant to be random and appear banal from the very inception. Perhaps hiding the malignant nature of thoughts is not an easy job even if you make the route circuitous and impromptu. And, that is what I missed…


Her perfume was intoxicating. I have never been a connoisseur of any sorts. But I can smell a woman. When I say it, I mean it. This is perhaps one of the few things on which I can stake my life. And whenever she was around, a mixed scent of her perfume and body enamored any rationale thoughts of mine.

This was one of another days and she had come to my desk after a torturous wait and three wasted trips to the coffee machine at the office corner. The first two trips were as cold as the uninspiring coffee for she was not around, and the last one had got me the pangs of jealousy when I see her engaged in a rather unnecessary and disguised flirtatious discussion.


“Hah! I know these bastards. Always lurking around the corners to catch a newbie,” I moaned to another colleague of mine. The prime of our youthfulness may be was on its way to decline but we both surely were ascending up on the ladder.

“He is young. Let him play,” said this colleague as he sipped on that uninspiring coffee. PLAY! My heart let out a silent scream as I watched her fiddling with her hair.

“Yes, we are ahead of the game, aren’t we?” I asked my colleague, as we both walked towards our respective stations.

It had been just a few minutes and I was absent mindedly fucking with google, when I smelled her arrival. I was angry. I was anguished. I will be reluctant.


“Hi,” she said. Captivated. Lost.

“Hey. How is it going?” I responded without taking off my eyes from the screen. I was hiding. I wanted it to last long.

“Good. Just wanted to know if you may help me with….” The rest of conversation is an absolute charade.

In those five minutes I let myself be purposely random. Slight pat on shoulder. Trying to hear her breath. Tracing the curve of her lips through my eyes and when she left, a handshake, to end an agony and begin on another…


Newspapers' say that mid-life crisis can disorient anyone. But I was not going through that. I was being playful. I was attracted. I was genuine. I knew it will never translate.

My closets friend told me I was not the exception. “You are the rule. At our age if we will not notice a firm butt and sigh. When we will?” he reasoned.

“But the trick is to be on sidelines. Remember we are analyst or experts but not the field guy. We don’t play anymore. We are done,” and he raised the beer bottle. Drunk. Intoxicated.

Each day in office was treacherous. I was being random. My suggestions were genuine and I wanted little back. But I was intoxicated with the smell…I searched for reasons to be near.

And when this fine day she waltzed her way to my cabin, I was preparing to be random.


“Hey,” and her scent overtook any rationality present in the room…

“You know, my friends’ boss got fired,” she said causally while taking a seat. I was watching her ear. What will feel like to just kiss them…

“You know why he got fired?” she continued without even realizing my absent mindedness..

“Why?” I somehow blurted

“He was trying to be funny with her. At first he was all helpful kinds but then something went wrong...”

I kept silent.

“You don’t think I give such signals to people in office na?”