Exiled...

I know I've nothing new to add. And this makes me wonder, is it necessary to add something every time? What's stopping me? Ego? Not at all. Then what? Don't know. Perhaps, I've started believing that anything be it emotional or materialistic should be reciprocal in nature. I have no means to guess what's in your wallet or for that sake in your heart. I'm afraid to risk mine...I've done it. Whatever....Life moves on. It did for many and so it will happen with me as well. All I am anguished about, it didn't end on the note I wanted...........and when I thought of this, the vision of an old guy with longing eyes came to my mind and then I narrate it through the eyes of Zafar....

Place: Burma
Date: Unknown

I've been defeated. To accept defeat is also a gracious act. Acceptance of someone's supremacy is not easy and requires a lot of character. At least I think so. It took me some odd days to reach here, don't ask me the number, my memory fails me on this.

But I wonder why certain incidents and places are so fresh in my mind. I wish I can turn things around. But would that amount to my victory? NO. So I'm both happy and unhappy over my loss. It's like being in a state of perpetual dilemma. What I always wanted never got it until I was there and once I lost it, I could see that happening. But, unfortunately I was not anymore there to be a part of it. Complex, correct? But when things are simple? For they always entangle themselves.

Anyhow, now that I'm history it doesn't matter. But I believe some people like reading history. Even I like it. So, does that means I've not lost completely? Don't know. These days this is my standard response to most of the queries. It's simple and evasive.

Simple and Evasive. I somehow fear these two words, both make me feel uneasy. Because, when things become simple or situations are so as to evade, you generally lose. That happened with me as well. I lost just like that. It was very simple. I was not evasive. But I lost….

Now I think - Can I coin it a loss? I mean how you can lose something which you never own. It's hard, right? Some say it was bound to happen. But nobody questions my commitment. Some do talk about it behind my back but I guess they are not well informed.

I don't know if I want to go back. I guess I do. But there is no way out. Then I think what will happen if I go back, will things be the same? Will I get what I wanted or will it become like what was earlier. I don't know.

But Yes, this is what I'm sure about. I won it in my heart because I was not wrong. I was justified. There will be never be another one like me who can give it all. Even in history I'll have a standing – good or bad, don't know. And if my defeat does any good then it's worth it. So sometimes even being unsuccessful brings you a victory but as I started with – I've been defeated, I accept it.

Hai kitna bad naseeb Zafar dafn ke liye
Do ghaz zameen bhee na milee koo-e-yaar mein.

(How unfortunate is Zafar, as he did not even get
two yards for burial, in his homeland).

Written By Bhadur Shah Zafar in Burma. Zafar succeeded the throne of Delhi in 1837. He was tried for having taken part in the First war of Independence (what the British called Sepoy Mutinee), though he was already 78 years old and exiled to Burma in 1858. He died a very sad and dejected man in 1862. Zafar, also a formidable poet was in love with Delhi. He has composed 36780 shers (verses) using complicated rhythms.