Iccha Mrityu'

Iccha Mrityu can closely be related with the medical term euthanasia, however the story doesn’t treat the topic as its main theme. It talks about conditions other than physical, which could lead to such mental state. This is perhaps my last story trying to explore love-emotional relationships.

Like always, all characters are fictitious. Some emotions are mine rest perceived. All I did was twist them to suit my Unsuccessfulness’. Anyhow, if you go through the trouble of reading it all. Please answer some questions. If you don’t like the story, well enough, I am already Unsuccessful and strangely enough living with it and sometimes, just sometimes enjoying it too.

Start -

She was staring at the picture, on the wall, which portrayed a rising sun, somewhere among the snowcapped Himalayan Mountains. The faint smell of phenyl was still lingering in the room. The flower vase next to her bed was empty, the only voice in the room was moaning of the air-condition, with whom electricity was playing hide and seek.


Destiny is cruel; with sunrise the snow melts. One takes birth to give death to another - she thought.


Her face was as white as the bed sheet. She never had a big bosom, but of whatever it was now remain untraceable ruins. The skin was clinging hard to the bones. She looked as if blood was being slowly drained out of her body. A living carcass.

The door creaked to life, she didn’t notice. A male figure entered with nice, bright flowers. She was still evaluating the picture. He put the flowers in the vase and pressed her bony hand. She turned towards him. BLANK. NO Expression.


“Hi Chavi, feeling better”

“I am ready”

“Have you ever thought about it seriously, it’s insane. You can be treated. It is all in your mind. Why the hell you do not try to understand it.”

“Will you help me?”

“Of course. I will. We can take a second advice. There are….

“Will you help me” - she sounded firm.

“I don’t know. See Chavi, try to understand.”

She turned away her face. Small drops of water mixed with salt ran down from the hollow sockets, across the bony face.

They have been talking about this for the past one month. The death of the discussion was announced by blowing the trumpet of silence. But today, she was determined.

“Dharish, you are a liar. You don’t love me that’s why you want me to go through this pain.”

“Chavi, you know, that’s not true. How can I explain that how much I care for you. I want you in my life.”

“Lie, all lie. You enjoy it, you want me to suffer.”

Suffer. Yes Suffer. The only thing that she ever did was, to suffer. For one reason or the another only suffer.

Her childhood was robbed because someone suffered from inquisitiveness. The dreams then died. An invisible wall separated her from rest of the phony world. A world where everyone wants you for owns good reason. A world of give and take.


Parental pressure landed her in a medical college. The wall, by now was impregnable. She loathed the barter system. One day, she popped 10 different pills in her empty stomach. But suffering, was her constant companion. She was spared, from death and suspension. Life and classes, both went on.


Those years, the Internet bubble was rebuilding itself. She didn’t remain untouched. Projects, assignments, hell everything that was needed to be done was available on Google. She searched for emotions and got Yahoo.


Chavi alias Wish got her respite in the virtual world. A known among unknowns. It was here, she met Rahul. It all starts the same way -

Rahul: A/S/L plz

Wish: 19/f/del….U?

Rahul: 20/m/bby…..hw u dn?

Wish: does it matter?

Rahul: Certainly, if you are not happy or so, we can try talk something funny

Wish: lol

Rahul: See it works


- And it clicked. They soon became more than friends. She told him about her fears and he about his failed love attempts. They both were raped. One by a man, another by nature. Rahul’s left hand refused to grow after his 12th birthday. But it didn’t matter. It was all virtual. But electronic emotions soon trigged real feelings and they fell in love. She started dreaming again.


Destiny brought him to capital. She was pursuing her PG and he got a job in a software company. They explored the city and their beliefs. A journey in pursues of their dreams. No barter system. They thought their dreams were one now.

But suffering was Chavi’s constant companion. Her parents didn’t share their dream. They gave logical reasons. Emotions versus logic. Beta, you can’t marry a tunda(a person with one hand). You have no problems; you will get some one better. This is not love. You are too young to decide.


Somehow or the other, she try to make herself convince that she got convinced, while she never wanted to get convinced.


And, when she can’t do that. Guilt surfaced. She withdrew from the world. Dreams died again. She became a body without a soul. And her second attempt to separate these two failed again. This is when she met Jagdish, who was an intern at the hospital where her parents got admitted her as a case of food poisoning.

Jagdish – fast and furious. A doctor by profession and a adventurer at heart. Fast things increased his adrenaline rush. Chavi was completely overtaken by her persona. For 25 days while she was in the hospital, he made her laugh. His outlook made her see a new life, a life beyond Rahul.


On the day of her discharge, subtle, supressed emotions took over. She was standing at the window, gazing outside. He came and stood behind her. She noticed but remained still. The atmosphere suddenly became tense. She was looking like a goddess in a pink and blue combination. He put his hand on her shoulders. She was passive. He murmured something incoherent and his hand slowly slipped across her waist.

Chavi was fighting a civil war inside herself. She thought – “ He gave me a new life. Anyhow I am of no worth. Perhaps this will make him happy, may be there is something between us. What I did with Rahul was worse. I deserve this treatment. I will pay it this way for my sins.”


Jagdish was sensuously nibbling her ears. His hand slowly moved across her belly. Lifting the pink kurta, feeling the bare flesh. He pressed himself at her back, making her feel his manhood over the tight jeans.

A sound exploded in Chavi’s head – Proven guilty. Condemned to eternal suffering.


He kissed at the back of her neck as his hands fiddled with button of her blue jeans. Slowly peeling it off from her skin. He turned her. As his tongue brushed across her lips and his hands, letting air flow between her legs. His knee found the gap as he pushed her on the wall. Slowly moving his head down. And, the room took a 360 degree turn.


Chavi never met Jagdish after that. Some nurses had retold the same story which she overheard during her inquires about him. But she had no regret. She was condemned. Life is not plain and simple. One day she met Rahul at a supermarket. He was not alone. With another pretty girl. He ignored her and so did she try to do. In her attempt to run away she met a speeding bus, head on.


It was Dharish who took her to hospital. For the past three months, his attendance on the visitor list was regular. Why? Some questions do not have answers. Everything does not have a reason.

She thought it was a platonic relationship. Can any relationship be platonic? Perhaps Yes. But can we deny the existence of emotions. Who knows, when they get jettisoned either by hormones or they themselves form a bonding, strong enough to break platonic shackles. But she was sure, her dreams had died and she could not be someone else’s dream. Definitely not her fault and perhaps not his fault, as well. Perhaps platonic sums it the best. But than someone has to lose.


Chavi condition had deteriorated, each passing day. She looked at the flowers that Dharish had just put in the vase. She was once crazy about them. Once!

She turned towards him; he was searching for something in thin air.

“So, will you help me?”

He stood up, came near her, kissed on her forehead. He replied with a choked voice –“Chavi, I don’t know what to say. I am a normal human. Unlike you, I may not have suffered this much. I will always remember you. I just wish if only I could help you, but…this is your decision. Your own Iccha Mrityu.” And he walked out. Leaving her behind.....

As you took the trouble, so who is Unsuccessful?

• Dharish, cause he didn’t try enough. Or he should have left it long back and take care of his own life.
  
• Chavi, she could always have moved on, Dharish, Jagdish, Rahul or anyone, how does it matter. She compromised herself for Jagdish for no good reason. There is always a new day, some one new to meet, and a new life to live.