The Conversation...

There comes a time in life when the thought of questioning your existence, starts to trouble your conscience. 

While most people are smart enough to drown such soul searching and often inconsequential thoughts in the daily hum drum of their lives. Some who delve deeper often find themselves to be bitterer towards life although they spare no efforts to maximize the pleasure of their materialistic living. There, however, are a rare few who find a path, much agreeable to their conscience.

Life so far had been equivocally generous and unreasonable for him. He could see a reaffirmation of this fact in the eyes of others around him. A small family, a decent job and all that from almost penury, is what those eyes will speak if ever asked about him.

But what they didn’t see was the sense of a loss, somewhat shame and an unknown fear that was all buried inside him. On the surface, with the exception of a few irritants, everything looked good. His wife was optimistic, or rather more adamant on how things will be. She had plans, or she was making them.

“We will open a shop for him, or better we will buy some shops and rent them out,” she said during one of those rare conversations about their children without getting into an argument. He simply nodded, knowing well that if she has made her mind perhaps there is no way to change it.

Just like, after the first time, when he brought up the topic of her dalliances with other men and she dismissed him off telling him not to impose his insecurities on her.

“I don’t know what to do with that girl, she is too stubborn…” – she looked at him expecting to say something other than just nod.

“She will be fine…,” he said it slowly fully aware that any more observation will pull him into this conversation, which he wanted to avoid.

But an easy way out was not an option. “Only if you were a little more responsible we would have been better off…,” she berated as usual.

This was the very moment, when usually, he uses to lose his cool and get into an argument which mostly ended with her blaming him for all the troubles in her life. But today, that question, the one where conscience starts to get troubled, knocked.

“Why did you do that?”- he looked into her eyes as if penetrating her soul. She too felt a light shiver, for the first time, as if this was not him, the one who gets easily riled up.

“Do what?” she asked fully knowing what he was asking.

“Were they different or it was the same?” he persisted.

She could have avoided this conversation fully knowing that nothing will change between them for they were both invested, and also despite everything he was her sense of existence. Maybe in a sad, bitter way, even perhaps a constant reminder of her stupidity as a young naïve girl who thought love will overcome all challenges.

“They were different and yet the same,” she finally blurted out steeling herself for the worst. She did not had those dalliances because she wanted to hurt him rather they were more of a revenge that she took from herself. For being so naïve, getting married that early, then having children, as if this destroyed the woman in her.

“Was it satisfying? Like no sense of shame…” he continued wanting to delve deeper.

She pitied him for he may not be able to comprehend those feelings, ever. He was still stuck on the physicality of it but for her that was just like scratching the surface. The thrill of being caught, the gifts, or that momentary sensual gratification was just the exterior. Nothing but a facade.

“You know what I liked the most about it?” – she wanted him to try.

“Knowing that you can toy with them or perhaps all the attention…”- he tried his best.

“No, maybe you are somewhat right about that power trip but that was not the high point,” – she said it philosophically as if almost talking to herself.

They both looked at each other.

“So what was it then?” – he felt anguished as if it would have given him some sort of satisfaction if she blamed him for it.

“I liked the freedom…”

In that moment, it appeared to him, that perhaps she has found her answer to that question about existence while he was somewhere in between – bitter and still searching.