Futility....

My world is full of highly unsuccessful people. And sometimes I think they are in a way more unsuccessful than me. Believe me that doesn’t give me any sense of satisfaction but irritates me more. I find parasites all around me, may be even I’m one of them. Who knows?
But for sure I’m disappointed of people. At least I’m happy being unsuccessful but these wicked creatures always try to creep out of that hole, only to slip further down. Their downfall irks me more. I mean if I would have been god (if he is there) I would have condemned them to death, immediately and take pleasure from the fact that I’ve ended their eternal sufferings.
But then I look at some other weird creatures, hanging around. And when I am unable to understand why they behave in such a manner, I feel dismayed. I don’t know what nirvana is and nor I am interested in. Guess like its my fault, I expect. And perhaps expectation is the root cause of all my grievances. When people don’t match up your expectations, you start falling apart.

Need Theory

Now when I postulate this, I get more irate. It’s like we all have empty spaces within us. And we try to fill that empty space through someone else. This empty space is both physical and emotional. There are thousands of us, who are waiting so that their empty spaces get filled. And when we find someone else who also has an empty space, which can be filled by us and ours by them, we come together. We give it the name of a relationship. So a simple transaction process gets coined as love, friendship and etc.
The moment that empty space is filled, we divert to other areas and try to fill them. Nothing wrong. But when one party has that space filled and it thinks that its no more of an empty space, it tries to break the agreement. Now if both the parties feel the same it becomes a mutual understanding and the ties are snapped of easily. However, if any of the party doesn’t get its due share, either it tries to cling on or start looking for an another person desperately.
Overall the net result is that it rarely happens that two people can stick together cause of any emotions. Either the emotions should move on to a next level or there should be other bindings. And when this plain truth of transaction dawns upon me it makes me cynical to everyone around.

So what we do?

I don’t have an answer for this. But I think there are two ways. The first one is that one should be clinical about that need. It’s like you become a parasite. The other is you try to fulfill your needs by yourself, now that asks for a lot.

What I am doing about it?

I am going through a realisation process. It is exactly the same which I went through some years ago. The only problem is that its very easy to get out of this process but extremely tough to go through it. But its like self cleansing.

Do we all need someone?

Yes, we need friends because we want to be happy, we want partners to satiate our desires. We need parents and so we need kids. Similarly for pets and so on.

But at the end of the day, one needs to remember that we all will be unsuccessful. In some way or the other. You’ve two choices. Either to accept it, like I’ve done or call it life and keep moving.....unsuccessfully.

Q & A

So, finally I'm back to where I started.


1. Are you disappointed? For sure I'm.
2. Will you live with it? Of course, I don't have any alternatives.
3. Do you regret it? Yes, somewhat.
4. Do you feel cheated? Yes, I do.
5. Why? Well majorly because I haven't done anything like this in my life. I mean most of the times I'm sure of what I'm getting into. But I can't blame someone, I mean it's not necessary every one think on the same lines.
6. So, was it your fault? Partially Yes, I must have understood it long before but I was still trying.
7. Any comments? On..Ok…No not at all. I think I believe in - Do No Evil and Say No Evil. So 'No Comments.' Besides, I accept I forgot my rules but then you know how it overtakes you.
8. Will you be able to forget it? In a matter of time, may be. I'm not sure.
9. What are your plans now? Nothing has changed. Yeah, I'll have to do some soul searching but yes, like everyone says - I'll concentrate on work.
8. Any lessons learnt? *Smiles* Yeah surely.
10. What? I am not going to be in anything like it ever after, unless I'm forced.
11. Will you keep writing about 'Delhi'? Nothing has changed in terms of this blog. All I can say is I love this city and still there is a lot to explore.
12. So…..? So what? Please read the name of this blog…

Z & Me

I'm writing this in a spur of the moment.

Yesterday Z came; he has called it off with A. He broke his cell phone as well. Interestingly, now I know a sizeable number of people who broke their cell phones along with their relationships. What is the relation between a cell phone and a relationship? I think cell phone is overused during a relationship and that's why people break it when they part off. As if resigning to the fact that unless they get a new partner, their cell phone will not be of much use.


I haven't thrown my cell till now. I may have dropped it unknowingly but never thrown it or even thought about that. At most I have switched it off for some days. Well my case is totally different; I mean I'm not rich. The cell phone I have is going to be now 3 years old and somehow or the other I never was able to buy another one. Like always Z was reluctant to talk about it initially and then he vent it out. So….

Z - I haven't done anything wrong. I mean she was with sitting with some one in the middle of the night. How can I take that? Can you take that?

D - (Undergoing a soul search) Hmmm….I mean I don't know.

Z - What!!? You don't know.

D - I mean Yes, you're right. But you could have been more understanding and besides you were not going to marry her, right?

Z - So what? I mean. I wasn't there in that relationship just for sex. I have enough. I am 24 yaar. I'm looking for peace. You tell me, I could have also done the same then?

D - But what about that girl? With whom you recently had this fling.

Z - That was a one-off case and I was sorry about it. You know what D, I am a middle class Indian. I may be a hypocrite but then I've some values. I'm not like these metro-class babalogs who have this no problem attitude.

D - (Playing with the cig.) Haan, I think you're right. So what should I do?

Z - You? Where are 'you' in the picture?

D - (Realising my mistake) I mean, what you want me to say?

Z - (Now fuming) Nothing. I care a damn if you adhere to what I stand for. I think I've done right. It's not about 'ego'. Before it also happened.

D - what?

Z - Are yaar, this guy. He liked her and she refused but she still use to go out with him and talk to him.

D - But you can't dictate someone's' life

Z - Fuck You. I was not dictating anything; she should've the brains. I mean how can you put your faith on a guy who has already expressed his feelings for you. Tell me if I would've gone with N…you know about her. I don't become even friendly with her. Yaar, thts why I said I am a middle class bloke. I cannot take that shit that my girfriend being friendly with her ex or some one who has got other feelings for her.

D - Is about feeling insecure? That means the relationship never had any strength.

Z - How much you deny that but Yes. Also I don't think except Chinkis and babalogs anyone will take that shit? It's annonying and if you really love, forget about love, if you even are 1% emotional you won't take that. Tu bata, what would you've done?

D - I? (Lighting that cigarette)…I may have done the same after all I'm also a middle class Indian.


-----------------We both laughed and then had a chicken for dinner, played pool, cursed all the girls in our lives, decided to become entrepreneurs one day, to marry a girl which our parents will choose and then renounce this world soon after. So all this decision making took 20 B&H lights with which we excercised our lungs. Early morning when he went off to sleep, I came out, lighted another cigarette and thought - Is it much better to stay unsuccessful? I looked at my phone….it was there, as if sleeping soundly. -------------------

Me - 1

Born on April 14’82
I dont know who on that day died,
But my mother told me
that next to me, a christian boy was also born alive,

My father, they say was elated with joy
but my grandpa, later i know
sighed with relief as I was a boy,

Father held me in his arms
and showed Delhi, from Safdurjung’s window no.5
little he knew than
that his son would end unsuccessful in this city only in his life,

Searching their success through me
my parents put every effort in,
blood in my veins was too strong
to let them easily win,

We were too rich to be poor
I never knew why!
but my dad towed a bicycle
and I always lusted for toys,

I stole 5 Rs. for a chocolate
how come the shopkeeper knew?
next day my mother wept
and I was beaten to black and blue,

This girl in my class
was two inches longer than me,
and we use to fight with water bottles
while waiting for the school bus spree,

I won the spelling contest, until class five
everytime mom said, she will love me even more
if I win the maths olympiad next time and this never bore,

1987 was the best year of all
my sis was born, and I had now someone to talk,
Some years back, she won a competition tight
In which, some years ago his brother was given third prize,

I fell in love with the neighbourhood girl
I dont know which year it was
I thought we had sex on weekends
until she realised that playing with genitals is nothing at all,

I also remember that day
when my mother slapped herself,
just because she taught me social studies
and it was Hindi’s paper hell!

First time I failed, was in sanskrit test
I remember my legs getting weak
just my mind was running
as how to hide this feat,

I fell in love gain, in class eight
my friend thought, I am crazy
laughed at my plight
as the girl was lame and had fat thighs,

I broke my leg in class ninth
while playing football,
my grandfather also died that year
and we had a family brawl,

Now came the boards
I was scared as in hell
In the last science exam
they told “Air” chapter was important
just before the exam bell!

In the year 1999, I saw titanic six times
a girl in my class, looked kate winslet type,
My ship sanked even before it sailed
her father was killed by someone in rage,
some months later, I tried again hard
this time another guy, won this award,
I kiddishly tried to play, the villian part
and ended with a bloody nose, in a street fight at last,

I just passed 12th
my parents dreams were shattered
and I thought
God,I finally won a battle.......

I know this is not a very good poetic attempt, but to depict my life is too complicated and I am born to be Unsuccessful......as far as 'T' is concerned, her fragrance still lingers on......and I fear falling in love again...not again...not with you 'T'...not with you......